Rom - Los Angeles

 

Roma

 

Villa Farnese

 

Jose and I had a very nice day yesterday. Visiting the Villa Farnese, admiring the sleeping hermaphrodite, being very private in the wide intricate gardens. Then cooking to dinner. And for the dinner Franco joined us and even my friend Pietro came after dinner for a nice little chat.

 

Fontana dei Trevi

 José had to get up very early today. He had a music lesson.  I call now somebody at Allitalia who can procure me a flight to Los Angeles for this early evening. I will not see José again but soon we will meet each other for his holidays on my ship. And get to know his girl friend who he loves secretly and wants to invite. Now I have some time left which I use to stroll through Rome. I have visited again San Paolo fuori le muri and now I am sitting on a bench at the Fontana di Trevi. There are lots of tourists, young couples giving hands to each other sitting on the edge of the fountain. But now I remark a young woman with blond hair sitting on the edge of the fountain.  I am bored. I look at the cover of the newest Luchenti e Viscontini I bought in the library to read on the plane. I don't know what to do. So I begin reading in the book. But suddenly a shadow falls on my book. I look up. Two young chaps have just passed. On the edge of the fountain they cling to each other and kiss. I watch, bored. They please me quite a lot. He is black African, with the pitch black hairs combed in tresses and hanging over his shouders. His friend has a white skin and long blond hair. Two Angels, the black and the white together, Nathaniel and Ezreel if I don't mistake. But I am no connoisseur of the different types of angels. Or could it be Amor and Psyche? But then, who is Amor and who is Psyche. They both don't have wings. And now pitch black and marble white embracing each one the other. Their mouth, one small and the other large, lips, one upon the other and the tongues sweeping about them. It’s a dream just only to watch. But it's disgusting, because I don’t have anything of it. I can’t join them. What has the elegant Italian Fanullone to do here. He is one too much. I'd rather concentrate on the young female tourist, German or Swiss with blond hair and blue eyes. She probably needs somebody who guides her through Rome. And I am good guide. A fiery Italian, elegantly clothed, to show her the monuments of Rome. First the Medieval Rome, then Modern Rome, and finally when it gets interesting, antique erotic Rome. A little patching on a stone behind the ruins of the Vestines temple. And then, I dream...Getting to know each other better on a bench on the Borromeo stairs looking down on the traffic. Passing the late afternoon in a nice Trattoria serving Pasta and good wine somewhere in Trastevere with a Garden where you can dance together. And finishing the day .. Well, I suddenly wake up. My plane will be leaving in the late afternoon. There will be a strained good-bye ceremony not to see each other again.

 

But still, I have some hours before me and I do not want to read. Or work, even worse! So I stroll over there to go to her, seduce her. I have to speed up because another Cicerone has got attentive and strides towards her. He is a serious competitor as he is younger. Not so elegantly clad as I am in my newest Armany vest and jeans hanging around my neck the oyster chain José bought me in the nice Boutique in Trastevere, the ear clip fixed on my left earlobe, a little mandolin. But I am quite positive because often these girls from Germany prefer older men to younger ones not like these Scandinavian girls. She is looking too serious, she is certainly not Swedish. Because I don’t want one from Sweden, they are too daring and demanding. I am not so lively today. But I am just some minutes before my competitor. I profit  from my advance, look deep into her eyes and tell her the whole story of the fountain, as the rich cardinal spent it to allow the poor to have enough water, as the fat bishop drowned himself completely drunk and was seen again by Monsignore climbing out as a mermaid. As the Jews poisoned the water and were burnt alive for this. Of course it’s not what’s written in the books, all Romans know it. Telling all this I get all the time nearer to her and cuddle to her. I make good progress. I am fixedly looking into her eyes, blue they are like the sky above the sea, and sharpen my mouth to give her a kiss, caressing her thighs with my legs. But some friend of her, a plain elderly woman, wants to play the saving angel, disturbs us telling her she wants to show her a museums, she nods to me and leaves me.  I am alone again.

 

With a sigh I go back to my book. But suddenly there is a loud row. I look up again. The two young chaps shout at each other and the one with the long blond hairs goes away, angry. Back remains the dark one. He sits on the edge of the basin, down in the dumps. So nice to look at, his pitch black hair hanging in tresses down his sides, his big black eyes, languidly looking into the water. Looking for coins to satisfy Bacchus? Don't let him go so far! "Safe him from this sin!" I tell myself. Rather David's and Absalom's sin then the lone sin of Noah. To take it from the bible. And I proceed at once to execution of my good errand. 

 

The emperor's toe

 

A gipsy selling flowers comes along. I buy a rose to join my Amor, stride towards the basin just besides him. He doesn’t even remark me. I stand beside of him and O God! my rose has fallen into the water, producing little rings. I say "Oh my, now you can't see the coins! I'll fish them out." As I hoped he says "It's no token. I'll do it" He grabs for the rose. He is now bending down and I bend down too and look at his face mirrored in the pool. Smile and make a kiss hand. We get into a discussion and decide to make a walk in the town. We pass and  look intently at Trojan’s big foot. But of course only I look. He approaches the foot, lies with his back on the toe nail, stretched out, and I am fascinated by the sight of his thighs in tight jeans. I try to imagine what’s between the outstretched legs. My little camera clicks while I am turning around my little love god. Am I really so interested in the Emperor's toe? None of us believes it. His nicest body part is still well packed in his tight jeans, but I hope that Trojan will have a good heart, get down and pull the curtain. But there is a couple of elderly tourist standing there watching intently at the God emperor’s foot. It annoys me. I have to act, slender towards the woman and begin to explain her everything she sees extending my palm begging towards her man. What I hoped happens. As he doesn’t want to pay an ignorant Cicerone for things he can read in a book, he goes away pulling his wife with him. Languidly she turns back to me but cannot leave her pillar of love. Thanks God at last alone! I caress Amour’s thighs and soon the slit is  open and what’s in it gets much aroused. But already the next tourists come along. A whole school class of Japanese tourists. Clicking with their cameras, chatting in high pitched voices. What did I do to God to merit that flaw? Now it's too much. It's no longer private, it's the Via Appia crowded with the invaders.

The gardens of the Villa of Tivoli

We flee taking the cab to Tivoli, where we take tea under the tent and then flirt under the running water of the fountains. We dance under the running water and proceed from the entry more and more to the edge of the park. There are grottos and hidden splits behind the rocks. Amors, Bacchuses and Appollos, Aphrodites and Dianas look at us while we flirt together. We caress, embrace us, kiss each other and look with the palms of our hands for hidden places on our bodies. Simply sensing what's hidden under our clothes. But our clothes get wet from the spilled water. At last, far away from the maddening crowds, on the edge of the park there is a lone Amor winking. The fountain is hidden in bushes. We are so exited kissing and feeling each other that we don’t realize we stand directly under the down pouring water. But it’s such a nice feeling sensing each other in our wet clothes. Edges and rounds can be felt much better with wet clothes. We lick the water from our faces, drenching our thirst. At last we have to shed our clothes to let them dry in the sun. We are well hidden where we are, the fountain has no  stars in the Baedeker. The weather is warm and the sun shines. The trees and bushes shed us from the uninitiated rest of the visitors. The guardians don't look in our direction and they don't like walking a lot. Maybe I simply gave the one of them  with the biggest medal on the hat a large tip and he is counting his money, Ha Ha Ha. You racist. We cuddle into each another making each other warm again. Adriano's pitch black skin is smooth like velvet and his hair feels like silk. We cuddle together.

 

Suddenly I look at my watch. It's one hour before the flight of my plane, I nearly missed it. It's last time to get a cab. I put my clothes on, say I have to be on my plane. We will certainly see each other again as José is in town. I give him Franco's visiting card where José is living. But Adriano is inconsolable.  My taxi is waiting, Adriano comes with me to the airport. Probably he wants to come with me to the States. And doesn't want my money. But there is no place left on the plane. I leave him kissing him good bye in the airport hall. The luggage has been sent directly to the hotel in LA by the porter of Franco's flat. During the flight I regret I didn't take leave appropriately. And I don't know he threw away Franco's visiting card as he was upset by my quick good bye. But I will encounter him all the same later on. Of course he threw away Franco's card. But he and José encountered each other without knowing each other, and instead of with his girl friend José came with Adriano on our ship. There he will tell me his adventurous trip from Cotonou where he was a little fishing boy to Paris Zurich and Rome where he is obviously a big fishing boy. You racist.    

 I fly to Los Angeles to look for Koja, because I know that Koja loves the West Coast and dreams of a career in Hollywood.

 

 I land in Los Angeles

 

When I landed in Los Angeles it was  there in middle in the night. I went to get the car I had rented when booking the journey. I lodged at the penthouse flat of my movie producer. It is situated near to the Central Park of LA. It has large bays giving a great sight all over Los Angeles to the sea and as far as Hollywood. The next morning I awakened early and took a refreshing bath and looked at the view. Down at the Park the sirens, the lights of the police cars were going. From the windows of the penthouse, I could oversea the whole territory. The police was swarming all over the territory. There seemed to have been a murder. I fetched the binoculars and took a better view. Considering the number and quality of the cars it must have been a very heavy infringement of the law. Then I saw a van with the inscription "Criminal investigation." Far away I could see a small child, running with two or three black plastic rubbish bags towards he zoo. Now there was no sense to look for Koja at the central park. With all this swarming about of policemen, probably no rent boy, maybe involved in some practise which is not very lawful, would have stayed there. I considered what to do next. There was the zoo. It was there, as I heard, that Koja was picked up by the police, some weeks ago, when he had gotten high and drunk and had had this row with a pimp who had stood there. Koja had no procurer and this guy had got real bad. Had stabbed him and when the cops came they had punished Koja the pimp being a customer of them.

 

The Zoo, an acquaintance

 

So I decide to go to the zoo. It is afternoon. I wander around the whole zoo, look intensely into every place which could be a hiding place, but I don't find Koja. Finally I join the watching flock standing before the apes' cage. They seem to be in a excited mood. One of the female Gorillas takes up a lump of some excrement  lying around and throws it at a small boy who stands there. It seems I already saw this boy somewhere. But where? I look more intensely. It's the boy I saw running away from the park! And somehow he reminds me of a chap I knew when as student I was roaming the states together with Francine. Simon was already in the world and was cared for by Francine's parents. I remember how it was when I got to know him, a long time ago.

 

I knew him, from where...?

 

I was visiting some relatives of Alexandros. Who had emigrated to the states. He was musician. And had visited at a wrong time. Their son had run away from home. His father did not tell him about him. He had already written him off. It was his mother who had, furtively, told me where she thought he lived. she was desolate and with my compassion I promised her I would go to where she thought he had run off and look for him. She showed me his picture. I ran into him more by chance. In a dancing for gay people. I had wanted to visit this special place in New York. We did not yet know this kind of places in Europe. Francine was nice. She had consented to accompany me to this place. But then I realised what was actually. Francine found a woman and had a nice time with her. did not know me till early next morning when she at last turned up at our hotel room. I was on my own. Left over! Had to think over the matter. Should I be in bad mood? Play the left over husband? Sullen and alone? Thinking how I would ask for a divorce when she would come back. I decided, no! Not me. There was the way and the possibility we could live one besides the other. Live both our lives in a open marriage. My parents had play as if they  had a perfect bourgeois marriage. But there was only a facade and behind it everything was stumbling. I stood  in-between and had to mend the missing parts. With both my father and my mother.

 

Jack

But at this moment I felt let down by Francine. I went to the bar and sipped one whisky after the other. On the stage there was one lonely chap dancing. He had quitted his shirt. The sweat ran down over his hairless breast. I joined him and we danced together. After a while we both were completely tired and went back to the bar where we sipped another drink or two. He was taciturn and a loner, there was a long time before he bowed to me, took my hand and pulled me to the toilets. I let myself be torn along The first time again after my childhood experiment with David I really enjoyed it as we caressed each other. He came back with me to our hotel room and there met Francine. Remained some days with us. We  had a nice time together, our fourth.

 

But he never trusted us and left us without telling us where he was going. He was rather on the trip to better the world but could not come up to his own moral standards. Never satisfied with himself. A loser. But I really loved him but think it was not felt on both sides.

 

The more closely I look the more this boy reminds me of Jack. He has the same curved eye-lids, the same mouth, nicely-shaped with large lips, the same colour of hair. And he stands there, leaning on the left foot. Exactly like Jack. But his jeans look as if they had not seen an iron for months, his tee-shirt is dirty. His shoes are worn. He is unkempt. For his clothes you could assume he also was living in the streets. But alone, on  his own, whereas otherwise these street children are rather groping around in groups. I think: Living all on his own makes him vulnerable to children tourists. I know. I have studied this sort of tourism in Mexico-City and in other towns and  everywhere its the same. It's not probable that the conditions in the States are so much different than in other countries. Maybe a lot rougher. "Vive la globalisation!"

 

Don't loose yourself, get back to Koja

 

But then, I do not want to get more involved in the scene here. After I got the Nobel price, with the money I got and much of my private money, I have engaged street workers  who are busy setting up  a net of houses for the assistance of  rent boys living in the street. All over the world.  We also founded a charitable organisation who is collecting money. And now and then I publicise articles in newspapers.  They are not enough cared for in our society. For girls more has been realised and the public is also more mobilised, but rent boys are still a flaw in our society who tries not to see them and nearly nothing has been achieved. I know it: the step from street boy to rent boy is very small! But I know also from experience: People are not contributing largely to my charitable organisation. It’s morally insane, having to do something with homosexuality. Here in the States we have a particularly difficult stand. Quite a lot of private churches are preaching against it. For the reverend Smith and his congregation, the biggest television church, I am a creature of the devil, am supporting vice and everybody who gives money to my organisation goes directly to hell. It does not fit in the image our society makes of boys and girls. You would rather expect of a girl to become a whore because she supposedly has no other means.  But  a boy! You expect of him to use his fists to fight. Otherwise its rather a blame for the machos’ world view.

 

Weird tourists

 

I think and forget what’s going around me. Suddenly I shudder. There is a pair of tourists who seem quite weird, not letting him out of sight. The predators already on their way? I have to contact this boy somehow. Maybe he knows something of Koja? If he was here! When he is near of me, I try to  accost him, but as soon as he realizes somebody unknown near him, he vanishes.  With all these people around I do not dare running after him. Obviously this boy does not trust anybody. But he is a living prey for pervs, I think. And the pervs are not far away. I can smell them. The kind who is hunting for everybody treating them falsely as paedophile and who do it themselves!

 

The boy

 He is quite small, has a very fine, nice face, long dark hair not well cared for, hanging down to his shoulders. Having come enough near to him I see he has blue eyes. Absolutely like Jack. And the profound  dimple he has on his chin shows that he is sensible. Even with his unkempt hair  he looks like an angel. And lives like a squirrel. Certainly everybody realises he lives on his own, and his not being together with others makes him an easy prey for pervs. And this pair, man and woman, of age of retirement seem quite weird. Their faces are changed with heavy make up. What are they up to? Are they pervs looking for a prey? And they seem to trace the boy. As I am looking at them, they turn and go away. But I simply do not have the time and the energy to be a helping angel for all street children. I do not desire to become it. I have enough to do it for the 4 I care for who are no longer small. And the fifth who is my age. I wonder what Francine would say. Is she as much engaged with her Indian women? As I do not find Koja, I have to go on to other places to look for him. But its impossible. Finally, exhausted,  I go back to the flat I live. In the night, I think,  I will go to the zoo again, because Koja was arrested here last time and in general people come back were they were before. In the night you can rather find rent boys. But the small boy of this afternoon remains in my head. I hope he will be somewhere else for the night. And not in reach of this funny pair.

 

Alec..... Not the one you think

 On the sidewalk a chap with long blond hair, blue, largely cut trousers and a red shirt is selling lottery tickets. He certainly does it as a clandestine. Ever so often he looks left and right, furtively. But he does not seem to have much chance. Nobody buys. I have pity with him. I ask him for a ticket and as he grabs for it, I take a better look  at him. His shirt-collar is open. I glance down his breast, have a look at his brown nipples. I take my purse. I have to count my money, and think I don't have the amount. But I can scratch it together. He tends me his hand with the ticket. I take it and count him the money in his outstretched palm. As I touch the white skin of his wonderfully clean palm it strikes me like a blitz. I was so long without lover. I thoroughly enjoy rubbing over his palm with the nails of me fingers and my heart leaps as he looks up to me. He has wonderful blue eyes shaped like almonds. Long eyebrows. Instantly I fall in love with him. And abruptly his supple young body leans toward my body. His sensuous red lips whisper: "Let's go to your place, will you, I long for your body." My heart leaps, it's my day. My lips touch his lips, we kiss and our tongues caress each other. I feel his knee against my hips and my cock gets stiff. So suddenly did it happen, we both fell in love together and I can't wait to go to a quiet place with him. As we hurry along the streets, suddenly he stops. He embraces me with his hands. "You are not American," he says.“ I can hear it at your accent.“ I’m Swiss." I say that because I still have a  Swiss passport, also I did not put one feet in Switzerland for years except flying to Geneva meeting my attorney and my bankers. "We cannot go to a hotel, because you could not enter with me." He says. Obviously, he is much concerned about my welfare. But I disperse his doubts. "What makes you think we go to a hotel? We go to a private place. A flat belonging to a friend. Nobody will ever ask anything about papers." Just now a cab drives past us, I run to the street, make signs, whistle. It stops. We enter. When I tell the driver where I want to go, he gasps. It's an area where the millionaires, the actors live. Everything heavily guarded. Nobody who does not belong to the society can get there. Everything is very discreet. The chauffeur has a thin smile on his lips, he probably thinks his part about why I chauffeur a poorly clad chap home. And certainly he has experienced a lot. I'll give him a good tip, so that he keeps quiet. The last thing I want is a publicity in the newspapers like I had when I had the row with David. It would seriously hamper my search of Koja. But my love is stronger than any rational thinking. I hope this boy is no blackmailer. But till now I was always lucky with my lovers. He is in awe. "How posh," He exclaims“ Have  you been living long here." "No, I wait for my ship to come. I live on board a ship. Previously I used to live in Acapulco.." I whisper it into his ears, I do not want to say it in front of this noisy taxi driver. But I have of course awakened his curiosity. He kisses me and whispers in my ear: "Let's do love together. I long for it." He must think I am not convinced. He says again: "Lets do it, I want it." and then as if I had said anything. As if I had uttered doubts about his age: "I am off the age." I didn’t doubt it. Why does he think of saying something like this. I don't care. I never take heed of any trifle like this and I am doing what I want in my life, without taking head of jealous moral apostles. Nobody ever did interfere in my life and I won’t accept any interfering.

 

I'm living in Bel Aire in the penthouse of my movie producer. He is for the time being in Europe. Uses my house in Saint Tropez. At his place it's discreet. Secure of Paparazzi. Paparazzi are enemies of Nobel prize winners and of movie producers all the same. Whole armies of private security men keep them away from us.

 

At last we arrive at my place. As soon as we have entered the flat, and closed the door, I feverishly  kneel before him, open his fly, take what I find in it, carefully, like an fragile egg. It's still small but so nice and clean. Carefully with my fingers I rub, kneeling in front of him, getting stiffer and stiffer and feeling wanting to get out. With my free hand I open my fly. As in a sailing vessel of the marine, my  cannon leaps out of the window.

 

All our petting happens in a magnificent setting, the whole town of LA and the seaside far away, which is present through the huge bay windows. In one hurry bending down he takes off his shoes. His naked toes caress me between the sighs. I want to kiss his marvellous instrument. My lips suck as my fingers caress. I get so excited. Feverishly I stand up, take off my pants and my shirt. I embrace him, my finger caress over his blond silken hair and my mouth searches his mouth. My fingers caress over his whole body while I unbutton his trouser and let them fall and one by one I unbutton his shirt, I feel his fingers caressing my naked body and my buttocks. Then at last his whole, white body is lying before me. My fingers glide about his soft skin down his back, between his legs, over his thighs as far as his buttocks. My fingers glide over the buttocks, into his fissure, but then I suddenly stop. I feel scars all over his buttocks and suddenly a warm liquid moistens my fingers. It's blood. Obviously the scars have been opened by my caresses. But he doesn't budge. I can vividly imagine how it must look on his behind. It must hurt awfully.

 

He is hurt - he tries to run away, again... as always

 "You are hurt," I exclaim. "Why didn't you say anything?" At the next kiss I look more intensely into his eyes. The whites look red. And around the eyes he has dark rings. I realise also that his eyes have a strange glimmer, and seem fixed. Now I understand while he was always perspiring and his whole body was trembling.  "Are  you drugged?" I exclaim. take his eyelids, push them up and look into his eyes, while he is simply staring. I've suddenly lost my heat. I stop caressing him. Now he has lost his confidence. He weeps. Suddenly he goes down on his kneels before me: “Please, please take me. Don't send me away. I have no money. I do not know where to sleep tonight.”  I consider the situation. This changes it a bit. But my feelings are stronger than my immediate desires for lust. I love him, I want him, I do not want to loose him. I kneel down before him. Put both my arms around him. "Please stop crying. You are so nice. I don't want to harm you more than you have already been." On my arms I carry his light body to the bed, lay him belly down on it. "My god, such bruises. Who did that to you." He cries silently, gives no answer. "Don't panic, you can remain here. But I don't accept that you take dope here. If you want to remain, you will have to stop.” Without thinking further about his feelings, I search his clothes for narcotics. I find them, but when I turn back he looks at me in a angry fashion. Gets up, goes to me, wants to take them back from me. But I am stronger, in a few moments he is on his back, I upon him. And I get excited again, my prick stiffens. I feel his stiff penis at my belly. I push him a bit back until his penis gets between my legs. close my legs and keep it within. He is completely excited, lets fall his circumspection.  I grab his head giving him a tongue kiss while I rub his penis. Turn myself and now suck his erected thing, caressing his whole body with my fingers. He moves his body so that his penis slides further into my mouth.  It's such a nice feeling. We both cry of pleasure. Then I get quieter. I feel how his buttocks are bleeding. I say, while he is still lying there, panting: "Now I have to tend these terrible wounds. I will go and look for some balm."  In the toilet they have something like an pharmacy. I search it and find something which could do it. It takes some time. When I come back, he has got up, stands in the middle of the room and tries to put his trousers on. I feel the pain he is having when the cloth rubs his buttocks have compassion with him. Go behind him and embrace him with both arms trying to lift his light body up and carry him back to the bed whilst he tramples. Suddenly he turns around. A knife touches my tender parts at the loins. "No noise." he hisses. "Give me your purse." Taken by surprise, I obey. He gives me a blow with his fist that sends me falling back, panting. And runs away. Banging the door behind me. I hear him jumping down the stairs one by one. Then there is a noise a banging. I am lying in the floor on my back. Everything hurts. Especially the back and the face where he knocked me. But there are no serious wounds, I feel no blood. Awkwardly, I get up on my legs. I hear somebody coming up the stairs. A guardian, Over his shoulders he carries the inert body of Alec. "He tried to run away. We should tell the police." He says. "Lay him again belly down on the bed." I say. "He is my son of my first marriage. Ran away. We had some row about money for drugs. I'm am not going to denounce my own son, am I?" And I take my purse from his pants and give him a twenty dollar bill. "I thank you for your pains." He mutters: "Still, he is dangerous, he nearly killed me, we should inform the police." I find a one hundred dollar bill, put it into his palm. "Here is something if you don't say anything." he realises he can get more. "Can I play in your movie?" He says. "Why not, the part of he soldier who raped Ali when he was ten is still is vacant. I'll speak to Sharwinsky." I say. He seems to have lost his will to lay in the movies and trolls away muttering something about these rotten authors. I turn back to the boy on the bed, pull his pants away. He stirs. His body seems all right apart from some bruises. I rub the balm on  his bruises and on his buttock and into the fissure. At the same time I kiss his back and shoulders. His left hand is closed to a fist, it's holding something. I open it with force. He holds a figurine of the Egyptian collection of the owner of the flat. I tell him:“ If you do not trust me and want to run away, don't try to steal anything. As you see everything is well guarded here. First it does not belong to me and you will pull me into trouble. But then, there is nothing of value for you  around. For example nobody would pay you anything for this Egyptian figurine, as it is inscribed in a register and anybody who would buy it knows it belongs to Sharwinsky. That is the name of the owner of the flat." He leaps to his feet. "The director of “Clouds”. I saw this picture three times! He is your friend?" Money for the pictures but not for a decent place? But then its none of my concern. “Yes, "I say." He’s now making a picture of my novel “Ali”. He is the third to try." He doesn’t know the novel. Looks at me interrogatively. He just stares at me, doesn't understand. I pull out my purse, take out whatever I have, 3 bills of hundred dollar notes, and put it together with a calling card in the palm of his hand which I push close. "Take this money. And if you should come in trouble afterwards, here is my address  and a phone number where you can always reach me." There is a silence. Later I continue: "And you will get into trouble, if you want to run out of here on your own. The guards here are instructed to shoot on everybody they do not know.” He looks bewildered. "But.." he says. " I just made a hold-up on you." I look back. The knife lies still there on the floor. "Yes. And. It was a last effort try. But ,sincerely, you are no great bandit. You just took me by surprise. I suppose it was just an action of despair, and I understand that in your situation...." Then I bend down and kiss him again on his neck, caress his blond sunny hair. It's so nice to have such an angels face near. I look again at his buttocks. Again I can't refrain myself. I kiss him on his hips, my hand pets his body from up on his shoulders down to his legs and between his legs, grab there, not hard,  tenderly and very carefully not to make him pains. I stiffen, get excited. But he recoils. He is not sure whether to confide in me. "I will forget it." I say. "And I trust you. You just acted in despair. And I love you too much. I can't make you pain." The knife is still there. He could get up and take it again. And perhaps in his despair he thinks of it. I have to act. Let him feel I love him. I kneel besides the bed.. Gently suck him. And suddenly he makes up his mind to trust me. He gently pushes me back, goes up on his elbows on the edge of the bed, dives down with his head until its at my hips..

 

The document - Alec's story

 Now I recoil. Bewildered he looks on me. But by chance I have glanced on the floor and have seen an official document. I am suddenly interested, my right arm automatically reached for it and was caught in midway. He asks: "Don't you like making more love." I think of what to say. I have to gain time. "Of course, I like it," I say,“ but you don't have to do it. I gave you the money but I don't ask anything in return. I have really fallen in love with you. Please don't leave me, I couldn't be without you." But the document intrigues me. With my toes I grab it and pull it across the floor, until  the document lays just before my eyes to be read. He followed my procedure and now realises I  want to read the paper. Now he protests loudly  tries to fetch the paper away. I push him back, rudely,  too rudely, I think. My heat has gone. He cries again. On the paper I read: Mike Anderson, somewhere in San Francisco, I don't remember. But there is a birth date that makes him about 18 years old. I start to say: "I'm sorry to have taken you for under sixteen." But stop, look at him, he doesn't look like an 18 year old. And he explodes: "But I'm not Mike, I'm Alec."  than he shuts up, as if having said too much. He weeps even more. "But I like doing love, with you, I really do like it." I don't believe it. Such an angel, such a nice name and he is like me. I would like to believe it. But I still can't believe in my luck.  He has something to hide and wants something from me. He continues: "You're so sensitive. I like it when you suck my cock, it's so nice. And I would never run away. Why should I, I have no home, nowhere to go." That's it. I tipped on this. I always fall on the ones who have problems. But on the ground that’s what I want. It gives me new experience in live. Really, I do not want to lose him and for this I want to help him in his distress. I say; "Now you say you don't want to leave me, and afterwards, perhaps when the effect of the drugs lessen, you get depressed and you run away.  I have experienced this several times. If you really don't trust me and want to go, please tell it now at the beginnings. And don't let me get even more infatuated with you. I will get you wherever you want. I  do not know about your ability in sneaking away. But in this area you need it, if you don’t want to land at a police station. They have guards everywhere and they shoot when they think that somebody is around who does not belong here. But when later you are in distress, phone me in any case if you are again on your own and don't know how it goes on." He looks bewildered at me. I don't leave him the time to say anything. I simply want to get rid of my desire to help. I go on and on, telling him again and again to phone me in any case and so on. I enjoy it really get into a sexual fit. Finally he gets a laughing fit. I did not think he could laugh in his condition. Now I am bewildered. I also burst out laughing and the spell is broken. "My name is Ramon Gandarian." I say when I come again to my breath. "Just call me Ramon. And your  name, is it really Alec?" "Yes. Alec” but he stops short. Finally I say: "Well Alec. Do you accept my condition. You can remain with me. I am remaining here looking for Koja who has run away and afterwards go on board my ship, but there is no taking dope here." And I go and throw the things into the toilet. He looks very angry makes fists with his hands, presses the lips but doesn't say anything. But I sense he needs my help and does not want to let me go.  Again he comes to me, presses his body against my body. His lips kiss my hips, my belly. What does he want? He thinks he can avoid the questioning  and seduce me to helping him. Not with me. If I do not get an answer to my question, there will be no good end to all this. Gently I push him back. "I also very much long for you. But we have to clear the situation beforehand. There is this birth certificate which does not concern you. It is a Mark Anderson. Your name is Alec?"  "Marylbone." I consider. Even another family name. "Why do you have a birth certificate of somebody else on you?" He gasps, sighs. He thinks whether its worth the while confiding in me.. I want to help him taking the good decision. I tell him to trust me, that he should learn to trust somebody. if he wants to live and not simply to survive, always on the flight. I seriously want to help him, but how can I persuade him of my seriousness. There are so many people around who just want to use him, I understand that he is distrustful. It's even better for him to be distrustful. But maybe he is now so at his last issue, he trusts everybody. His moods going from laughing to crying without pause would show in that direction. He looks so distressed I feel lean to be so hard,  I want to give in, continuing to live on lies, but then I refrain. It would be a bad service for him. I think it does not need much for his walls to crumble. Therefore I say:“ Its for you to tell me if you want to remain, otherwise you can leave." He goes for putting his trousers on. But first he leans forward to grab the document. No heed. I keep it hard between my fingers. With a mock smile I prepare for fight:“ I will never give it to you as long as you are leaving like this, fight for it." He tries to give me a slap, but I halt his hand and give him a light clasp with my left hand fist. He stumbles and falls on his knees. And now its two much for him. He looses every countenance and will to fight, weeps. “Why are you so unjust to me. Why do you hate me so much!” he cries between the sobs. Now I have him where I want him. I kneel down before him, take his head between my hands, look him in his eyes: "Now tell me, it's your last chance or I call the police." He whispers, I have to put my ear to his mouth: "Mike is my stepbrother. Older. And much stronger. He wanted to rape me and I slapped him. He fell on the floor, unconscious." There are now real sobs coming out. "I killed him. I had to run away. Certainly the police looks for me." That's it. He was driven in a corner. He really needs my help. The moment is good, I want also to know more: "Why did you take Mike's birth certificate. What did you think." "I was in absolute distress. Mike laid on the floor motionless, dead. I only wanted to defend myself. And now I was a murderer. Guard me when  Father or Mother would see it. They had always said I was just a jail bird. Now their wishful thinking would have materialised and they would give me to the police. And nobody would believe me if I said Mike had wanted to rape me. Because ever since he knew I liked men, father forced me to tend him my back and raped me and laughed. And Mike just only did the same to be like him. But they were not gay, they just loved to see me suffer. And sometimes mother looked on. On this day, it was four days ago, Mike was completely high, he had taken drugs and alcohol and I sensed he did not know how far to go to injure me. And he had even taken a large screwdriver to stab it in I my ass. He was large, much larger than I am, and strong,  only muscles. His big hands held me at the neck and by grabbing my balls so that it ached. I tried to wind my body to get free from his steeled grip, but I could not get free and he only steadied his grip, bent my back until it hurt everywhere. He laughed. I cried, asked for pity, but he kept on saying: "It's time for you to die, you asshole, you shame of the family."  In my fear, I took the first object I found on the floor and stabbed it behind me. It was a pair of scissors I had held to cut out a piece of paper when he had assailed me from behind. It went into his belly. I did not want to hurt him, just to hit him so that he would let me free. But he fell off to the floor, just on his back, and swayed. There was a mighty lake of blood, well I thought so, didn't dare look to well. I thought he was dead, panicked, looked for my passport, but it was not in the usual place. I only found this birth certificate." I look at him, his blue eyes, the angel-like features of his face, the blond hair. It's difficult to imagine that he could have been misused in this fashion. And I have experienced that he can use weapons to threaten others. And in fact what would you expect f somebody bread up like this? And there is no boundary to people's brutality. He still weeps, sobbing, trying to get control of himself. It's not usual for boys to weep. I take him into my arms, cajole him. "OK" I say finally, when his weeping has stopped, "do you think  they give a passport to a person who is signalled  as dead? The paper is no use for you. If you go with it to the authorities, they catch you. If they find it, anywhere, on you, it will only serve as a proof for your culpability. We will destroy it." Alec gulps. So on second thoughts I keep the paper. Put it in my wallet. And I continue: "It's good that you told me all the truth. In me you have a true friend. We will think together what to do. First let's go to the  computer. I have the key to the police internet homepage where all criminal deeds are listed for the use of the authorities. All murder cases everywhere in the states have to be listed there. We will see if a murder is signalled.” But there is no murder of this Mark signalled. “Obviously, “ I remark, “your brother is not dead. And your family did not press charges against you.” For obvious reasons I think. Because they would only charge themselves. “Maybe a private detective is looking for you. Or maybe they are only happy that you have vanished. The police will probably keep the case open, when some insurance pays for the medical care. But maybe they didn't even go to a doctor for keeping his anonymity. But they do not have enough personal for all the hanging cases. So on worst case, not very probable, they will just keep the case open for two three years and if they do not find anything, they’ll close the case. There are now two possibilities open for you. Or actually three. Either you pass by the police and tell them you have injured your brother on an act of personal defending. There will be an inquest and most surly your father and brother will be punished for sexual assault.” “And I’ll have to go back to live with them,” Alec cries out, anxiously. “No, certainly not. The authorities do not allow you to go back to the ones who sexually misused you. But you will be in a boarding institution for sexually misused children, in the keeping of social workers.” I think for myself that there he would probably be misused again by the comrades or even by the personal. I experienced it myself on my own body and the boys I knew have also experienced it, Kevin and also Koja.  But Alec is too upset. He shudders by the thought of being again confronted with his  tormenters. I continue: “Another possibility is that you go directly back to your parents and they will accept you with open arms happy that the case has been shut so well. Finally they are your parents and probably love you. Probably they will not harness you for the first time, but nobody can assure you that they will not fall back. Usually these perpetrators are not conscientious that they have harmed and think that it was the fault of the victim that they did wrong and will continue their misbehaviour.” Now Alec weeps. He does not want to go back to his tormentors. “They are not my parents, they are my foster parents. I was abandoned by my mother who was convicted for having helped her pal, my father, to steal something or do something else. I do not remember.” I take him in my arms, feeling his warm skin, his breath. Instinctively Alec nestles to my body. He has manners like a girl, I understand some psychotics wanted to hurt him. I dry his tears with a handkerchief. Alec says: “I don’t want to leave you. You are so good, so nice to me and I love you.” My heart leaps, but I try not to show it. I do not want to misuse his love. I say: “I do not want to chase you from me. Only if you want to take revenge on your perpetrators you should do it.” But by his looks I see that he does not have the character to think months or years on end of revenge. He is too good for it. He is no strong macho type.  “OK” I say. “I have the possibility to acquire a passport for you with a new name, so the authorities will not know you. Probably my name, Gandarian, so that you will pass as my son.” I see that he radiates at that thought. “But I want you to think about it and to tell me your decision tomorrow only. Tonight I will go out in search of Koja. I will close you in. Not because I distrust you, but because I want to protect you from all harm. Do you agree?” He nods. “But please don’t let me alone too long?” I continue:“ I will come back as soon as possible. Please remain, I will certainly be back by tomorrow and I will phone you in any case. Don’t panic. Remember, they have armed guards everywhere in this posh quarter  and they shoot on everybody they don’t know as they think that every stranger is a thief. I don’t want to bury your dead body. If you panic, telephone me on my mobile number. I will come in any case.” And I show him the rooms of the flat with the books, the television room and the swimming pool. “Just use everything, but please remember not to take anything, as it does not belong to me.” I say. Then the water of the pool tempts me. "Want to take a bath just now? Anyhow we are naked. We don't have to bother about undressing."I hug him with my arms and spring. We land together in the water. He coughs and tries to find the floor under his feet. He is no good swimmer. But I don't loosen my grip, enjoy jumping up and down in the water, feeling his body near my body, kissing and caressing him. Under water  I is so nice. And the water is agreeably warm, also the pool is on a terrace with the whole view. Again I enjoy his warmth, spontaneity and the softness of his skin. But I realise he is very tired. We leave the water. Now  his whole body shakes. Probably also the narcotics are running out in their effect. I take him up on my arms (he is so light) and carry him to a sofa. He does not want to let his grip on me go, so I lie down with him. We nestle together, feel each other and he sleeps in my arms.

 

I leave him sleeping and go to work on Alekis and the Hyksos

 Carefully I untangle my arms, leave him and go to the Office where I write on a new crime story. It happens in the beginning of the Hyksos Civilization when they lived in Achaia, before they emigrated to Egypt. Kitos, the 8 year old crown prince, a dark-haired, nice and dreamy boy, has been brutally murdered. Nobody understands this act of brutality because he is such a peaceful creature.  Nobody can understand why he could have enemies. His body is found in the morning he should have married the princess of a befriended neighbour state in the nuptial chamber where he would have no right to access before his wedding. Never would he have accessed by his own free will to this place. It looks as he was raped and had to die slowly from the wounds inflicted by his perpetrators in his behind. Everything points to the murderers having been of the princess's family. It's a very dangerous political theme as today the royal pair and it's family was expected. The Hyksos king very much relies on the king of the befriended kingdom, as an important ally of the being king of the Hyksos. The throne  of this king is imperilled. But after this murder the folk is very much upset with these allies. They expect of the  king Kallisthenes the Great to declare war to the former allies. And there is not much time as the brides' father is already at the boundaries of the kingdom. If war should actually break out, it would be the brother of the  king Kallisthenes, Kapiollanas, who would be favored as Kallistenes would have to ask if the kingdom of the north to be his ally. But they are Kapiollanas allies and want to put him on the throne. For Kallisthenes it is a dangerous situation because if he declares  war he might be replaced by his brother who is without scruples. If he does not declare war, he could be certain that a civil war would explode. There seems no issue for Kallisthenes I who had had brought his people peace and prosperity for over thirty years, had contributed to build up a strong army and be accepted as peacekeeping nation within the whole ancient world. A strong economy had been built up and had allowed him to establish a good working welfare for his people which depended on the peace with the other kingdoms to thrive. The real cause of the murder has to be found out and within two or three days, The advisor of the king the clever Alexis has the duty to find out about the real cause of the murder to avoid the bad issue. I do not like to write about murder in the hyksos society, in the remembering society I knew such brutal solutions to a relational problem was not possible. I do not like to inflict death on the persons in my novels. But thinking about this problem, I'm in such a tiredness that I fall asleep. And now the important carnatic dream comes. It's message is real. Alec is today's incarnation of Prince Chiton. Chiton was the precursor of Descartes, Hume and Rousseau.  He found out that the presumed dark sides you don't accept in you, the thoughts you dismiss from your mind, is what you could later on develop to a dangerous mania. For example you fear you could be a homosexual and begin a race upon homosexuals. Or what Hitler did with his fears that he was a jew. Prince Chiton developed in his young age the freedom philosophy of the hyksos which king Kallysthenes introduced. I dream that I am together with Alec's mother, an Egyptian princess. I am King Kallisthenes and I admire Chitons philosophy. When he is found dead murderd I introduce his religion for his remembrance. I wake up. Alec is standing behind me. having put his arms around me and hugging me. He is much upset: "I woke up and did not know were I was.  Please don't leave me alone."  It's evening, the sun is going down, I sitting there with the incarnation of the most important person of the Hyksos behind me. we embrace kissing each other looking at the red fireball going under over the dark blue ocean. It is such a nice evening. I listen to the sweet voice of Alec. His American slang so different from the Spanish of Kevin. But he so much remembers me of my dear Kevin I so much miss.I look at him, his face so sweet . He showered and put up some makeup and looks even nicer, but  the black rings around his eyes still show. I'm so happy I am still with him. I give him again a kiss on his mouth. I look at him. Suddenly he kind of goes into trance. Looking directly before him. Standing there he remembers me of prince Chiton. I say "Chiton (instead of Alec) arent you tired. Should you go to bed." He looks at me without seeing me. "Father I have such fears, please don't leave me." Then I answer, it's as if he would inspire me my text. "I have to go. Alexis is awaiting me for the ministers session." He says; "Please father I am so lonely." "But you have already left." Then suddenly a cry: "Oncle, Kapiollana! what are you doing here? I thought you were in Nauplia. " I laugh. Again under pressure. I say "I've come to do it like your friend. Why don't you do it with me like you do it with Kaida. Go towards him. Seize him at his legs turn him over about to pull his trouser off. ....A cry. I awake. completely naked to a small short I stay just before him. I sweat. "Alec I have only just been about to rape you. Thank God you cried. I woke. But you called me Father and then Uncle. Which one am I? And then, I spoke, but I did it under spell. What I said was not from me." He looks puzzled at me. He doesn't remember anything! Exhausted I sit down on the chair before  the computer. Before he came I had taken a tarot deck in my hand and it had fallen on the table. The Hierophant looks at me! Across it there lies the two faced moderatrice like a witch upon her kettle grinning at me, and also the angel of justice. On the floor, fallen , the hanged man. I say: "I'm just writing a mystery, I don't know how to continue," I tell him, "my publisher presses. Perhaps you can help me on?" He is puzzled, "Do you write books?" I laugh: everybody has to do something for a living, it's like an illness." I tell  him about Ali, about my newest novel published, the David. He will be of much help for my further work because he listens very intensely. Remarks that something in the mystery does not fit. And really why should it be possible that my crown prince was murdered by the Prince Brother who was about a two days journey away. For me it's a problem. After what I experienced during the time he got his streak of sensing I keep thinking what to conclude of it. The more I think about it, the more it seems that there is only one solution to the enigma. It must have been King Kalliosthenes himself who killed his own son. I remember my dream . Kalliosthenes tried to discuss about the philosophy of Chiton when he was with him in the queens room. I think more about it. I remember that he, who in fact was me, got very much upset about one aspect of the philosophy. But he never got a clear view about what it was. But as I  think and probably also with the experience I got in this life as Ramon Gandarian, the more I realize that it was the fact that I loved my own son, but could not accept it that lead to my crime to rape Chiton and kill him. Of course Alexis could not find the true murderer of Chiton and there was war, Kalliopenes became king and Kallisthenes fled with a small group of supporters. He conquered Egypt with the help of the rank of his wife the Egyptian princess Iris. There he tried to introduce Chiton and his philosophy to amend for the wrong he had done him. He had become ascetic after his wife Iris had died. Had thought a lot and had come to the conclusion that Chiton was right. The main root of the miser of this world was that men had evolved to one sexed creatures. Could no longer stay to the simple play of sex. Had to find a utilitarian reason why you played. You made only sex because you had to do something utilitarian, to put up children. Everything you did subsequently had also to be something of utility. You suppressed your wish to play, to just have fun one with the other. And the suppressed sides you didn't even realise came out at period of crisis, at the wars, where you did everything you had told yourself to suppress unconsciously and therefore with a bad result. Chitons remedies were to abolish all boundaries men had established to keep his morals and therefore to force men to accept full freedom with and with the others. It all went into the direction which later on the school around Rousseau followed. And I am sure Rousseau was a later incarnation of Chiton. Kalliosthenes' weak successors were later driven out by the Egyptians together with their God Chiton, as unloved foreigners. Conquered the northern sudanes tribes and built up the Hyksos empire and culture in Sudan of which I wrote so many historical works in Sudan. I later descendant of queen Iris married Amenophis IV Echnaton and his religion of Aton was based Hyksos philosophies. Later on the Jewish religion and much later the christian and Moslem religion carried on a perverted and mutilated version of Chitons philosophy of the complete freedom. Because they could not throw over board the nefaste elements of utilitarianism.All along the centuries there have arisen popular movements in the philosophy of Chiton. The mediaval sects, primitive Franciscaners, and in our century the movement of the flower people. I awake. I was toying with my ideas. In this life I can amend for the wrong I did to Chiton. Alec needs me. Now I am even more tender to Alec. I feel I have a moral duty towards him.

 

I awake - Koja needs my help!

But now I'm getting nervous. I will have to get out to look for Koja. But I do not like it taking Alec with me to the park and zoo tonight. In search of Koja. It's so dangerous. "Love" I say. "Where I go it's really dangerous. I go with a pistol and shoot proof vest. And if they harm you again. I couldn't forgive me for having taken you with me. You seem so tired. Don't you want to read or watch television and wait for me." But he is like Kevin. He clings to me. Doesn't want to let me go alone. Fears I shall not come back. Finally I give in. But I give him a shoot proof vest he has to put on before my eyes. I long to look for Koja. Each day he is alone is a day too much. I never know if he will be harmed. I take a cab to the park. I must say I do not regret to have Alec with me. He is such a nice follow. I am not happy that he has no papers. But we will have to get him a passport. I have a good friend, a good passport forger, who's always in need of money. He lives not far from the park. On the way there is a photo automate and there we make the photos. , A Swiss passport for a person called Yvan Cernow is available. It will not be difficult to prepare it for Alec, my latest son. It will be ready by tomorrow morning. But tonight we are without the paper. It's what makes me unsure. Suddenly I have an Idea. I take out Mike’s birth certificate. Alec stares. "You didn't destroy it?" I answer: “On second thought I decided to keep it. It could help us maybe and now I think I had the right idea." "But you said it was dangerous!" "Yes, but I also did not want to make you too much pain. But now it's good I kept it." And I explain my idea to Cernow. In half an hour the certificate is forged. The names are changed in Alec George Marylbone. The date of birth is changed so that it fits him . He is now 18 years old. He had his birthday the day before yesterday.  I realise that he is of the same astrological sign as I am. He is a Lion. We alter it. We make him two months older. Because 9 month before this date I was for a month alone on a lecture tour in the States. And it is also fitting that just around  the date of his birth I was again staying in the states. And in the same town as he was born. As the hospital he was born in doesn't exist anymore there is not to fear that some other list could exist.

 

About forged passports (quite an usual thing, isn't it?)

And tomorrow we'll fetch the new Swiss passport. Bohumil Cernow, who is best in the states for forging  passports, an clandestine emigrant from Russia has a  passport, which could be bought from thieves. As he works for the FBI too, he is absolutely reliable. And as I know things about him which could bring him within bars, there is nothing to fear of blackmailing. I take the altered birth certificate. Leaving Cernow I pass it over to Alec. “Take it and put it in your purse. As we are going into a dangerous area it could be of use if they find it on you. But don't show it the first time they ask for a document. It would make you suspect. Simply say you've forgotten your passport at home and give them my LA address. If they won’t believe you, I suppose  you could show it them. It’s not usual for somebody to carry your birthday certificate around.“

 

We cross the weird couple again - I AM THE BIGGEST!

When we are on the street again, I go to the park. But there are a lot of rent boys around, but no Koja. I go back to the gates of the zoo. I make the circumvention of the zoo and it is well in the night when we arrive at a place, where there are parking spaces. Funny, the door, which is probably the door for the employees, is open. Till now I've found no trace of Koja. So I decide to go into the zoo. Suddenly I hear a cry, which is at once stopped, like being chopped. I make a sign to Alec to follow me, but quietly. Carefully we proceed in the direction of the cry. Come into the trees. I take my pistol out. Pull Alec to me and whisper into his ear: "Have no fears. You see, it's the normal situation going on. Probably there are lots of criminal parties around." We come to a place, which seems to have been some hiding and night place of a street boy. A blanket, an algebra book. Funny fellow, a street boy who is practising algebra. Suddenly we hear voices not far. A woman, a man and a small child. Funny, what are they doing at the zoo in the night. Are they visitors who were closed in? I don't think so. There is probably some crime going on. All kind of pervers are around and they choose places, where it's without people to do their deeds. I take my pistol, put a silencer on it, unlock it. I take Alec by his hand. Noiselessly I walk in the direction the voices come from. Understand more and more of what is being going on. The boy seems to be forced  to do a sexual act. He tries to slip out of it. it is the boy with the angel face I already saw. Suddenly after a bend i see the other people too. This olderly man and woman he already saw are threatening the boy with the angelic face. The woman commands him to lower his pants, show his sunny side. Besides stands the old guy, his mouth watering in anticipation, a camera ready to take "souvenirs". The boy tries to gain time and does as if he does not understand." Probably he really does not know what's asked of him and panics. He is simply being raped with brutal force. Furtively I look at Alec. The youngster has become a statue. He stares at the pair his mind working, his mouth and figure mimicking what's going on inside of him. It must remind him of something. If I had the time I would have to help him psychologically. But if I want to help the boy, I have to handle on my own. In this situation the pistol is of no use. There would be a chance that the boy would be wounded too. I put it back into the holster, pull out the knife. I creep like Tarzan noiselessly till I am behind the woman, then I yell "Yuppie" grab the gun and throw it away. My nickname was Tarzan Bond when I absolved the school of recruits. The rifle flies through the air and remains stuck in a tree trunk. The woman is bewildered, her arm has nearly been teard off.  I jump on her shouting to the boy: "Take cover but don't run away." I must look like Tarzan before he sets out to slide along the lianas. Which frightens the boy.  Nervously, he grabs for his pants, turns around and runs. Alec is still standing there like like a salt statue, staring at the pair while I perform my circus act. My heart leaps as I perform to Alec what a hero I am. Not for nothing I practice at least once a day shooting and leaping at the craft center.  Now I  am standing in between the two nice ones. The woman tries to pull the rifle out of the trunk. I get angry, forget myself, slap the woman, shout:“ You wanted to have some fun on smaller ones. You'll have to explain yourself with the police." But I was to impulsive, the old guy grabbed my knife, I sense as the edge of the knife touches my back, at once I turn around, and avoid such  being hit fully in the back, the dagger slips from the hands of the man, falls to the floor. The  woman grabs a stone and leans back to throw it on my head. But then there is a terrifying shout like that of a wild animal I heard maybe it may have sounded like this when two dinosaurs where fighting each other. Terrified the woman let drop the stone. Alec leaps on her. With his fingernails he scratches her face. With his hand he presses her neck trying to throttle her. The woman looks terrified at him, does not do anything to defend herself. The man looks up then lets fall everything grabs her arm and tears her away. Alec runs after them but then stops. I, the great hero James Bond and Lucky Luke in one, sit on my behind on the floor, the blood all over me. Not realizing what's happening.

Then suddenly I realise. Alec, this fragile creature, has saved my life.

I, in my overestimation, had already thought I would lose too much time and energy looking after him. Now, if I had not taken him with me, I would be dead. I had a much too high praise of myself. I am ashamed of myself. I sit there, brooding, when Alec comes back. He has tears in his eyes, kneels down before me. "How are you? Are you badly hurt." And he opens my shirt, looks into it at my wound. It was only a scratch. It no longer bleeds. But it's so nice to feel his nice soft fingers caressing. I get tears in my eyes. I say: "You saved my life. I thank you so much." Then he looks at me: "Was this boy this Koja, of whom you always speak." "Ah no, unfortunately. I don't know him. He just resembles somebody I knew 30 years ago. Koja is a bit older. He has green eyes and has tainted his hair red." Alec looks puzzled. "Would you like me to taint my hair in  another colour." "Of course not. You are so beautiful." then Alec asks: "Why did you do that, save this boy risking your life, if you don’t even know him? And why did you help me? Take me up in this rich penthouse, where there are so many things to steal. You did not even know if I was a criminal. I was such a bore. "I laugh. "You seduced me. You are so beautiful." He takes it seriously. "Yes, but if it was only that, you would have slept with me and thrown me out again." He cannot be got satisfied so easily. He thinks about it. "And what's about this Koja. He will be jealous." I sigh. "Well, you want to know a lot. I never thought so much  about my actions. You are a deep one. I just live and enjoy. My father did a lot of money. My grandfather was rich. I don't have to work for a living. So I do just what I like. I write and look for new adventures. And now I have found a true love. At least, well I I think  you are not one of them who run after me for my reputation or money, you didn’t budge when I told you about “Ali”. I think you really love me, for else you would not have taken this risk to save me." He sighs. "That's just it, Ramon. I have to tell you. I am very ashamed to tell you. I knew this man. He is my father. And this woman is the one who has succeeded my mother." Alec doesn't deceive me. He is so frank.

 

Backthinkings about Koja, again

But time goes by, I get up. "Well we’ll have to look further. And without further comments, I walk on in the direction the boy had run off, call him. Maybe he's just hidden behind the trees. But the boy is no longer around. I stop, considering what to do. Alec has followed. He's uncertain. This Ramón is an enigma. He's just told him something so important for him and doesn't even get an answer. Does he even love him still? He knocks on my shoulder. "Don't you love me anymore. Now you know I'm the son of this monster. Do you want me to go?" I'm absorbed in considering where to go. What's love to do here. Maybe Koja is in a live danger and he asks me whether I love him. I already told him several times. He's a bore. Doesn't help me anything till I'm nearly at life's end, then gets wild like some idiot, then asks if I love him. He's just hampering standing in my way. "Hey," I answer" Well I won't keep you. Go wherever you want." Alec is sad. He has again said too much. He turns and walks away. He cries silently. First I do not realize it. I'm brooding. Thinking about Koja. His laughs. Especially when we were always falling off the skis in the mountains. And now everything finished. Koja maybe somewhere dying or wounded and needing help. Crying because he lost his sweetheart because of this terrible aids.

 

Koja's experience in LA

Only some hundeds yard away, at the other side of the zoo, Koja is getting into trouble. And I dont realise it. Had I followed the boy, I would have gotten to him. He is standing there, at Seaside Boulevard. When he had realized that he had said too much, when he had told her that he had aids, everything in him had been a turmoil. He had had to tell her that he had had contact with boys, that he was also gay. She had first heard incredually, then as she slowly realized that it was the truth, not some joke, her chin had fallen. Without a word, without even saying good by, she had turned him her back, had issued through the door, had slammed the door. He had run after her, could not accept the idea of loosing her, she whom he love and whom he thought understood him. But she had walked very fast, almost run. He could not keep up with her.  And her brother John had met her by chance on the sidewalk, and she had run into him. John had never liked Koja, considering him as a offspring of this Ramon Gandarian, this amoral devil. Triumphally he had taken her, he had wanted to speak to him, explain him his distress, but he had turn disdainfully back, saying:"Leave her alone, you rascal. You have already ruined her renown." And had taken her in his car. Koja was boiling, had wanted to kick the car, had made an immoral sign with his thumb, but already a hostile flock of persons had assembled,  standig round him. Some dangerous looking guys in leather suits with baseballs had already wanted to beat him, only by running away through different streets had he been able to save himself. He had continued to walk, muttering to himself, boxing into imagined people. street after street, miles and miles, hour after hour. People he encountered changed the street side, to avoid encountering this maniac. Now he was nearly lost in the town, was in a completely unknown quarters and  had cooled down. But something was dead in him. Ramon had dropped him, his girl friend had left him, he would never be able to begin a normal life again. He decided to go back to Simons flat, where he lived, tell him everything like it was, take his things and leave. But when he arrived, Simon was just leaving with his girl-friend, he had been upset because of his remarks about his father Ramon and Koja had began shouting. The girl-friend had left hurriedly. Koja got a temper and gave him a slap on his cheek. It was a bit too hard. Simon had been taken by surprise, and  had fallen backwards on his back. Then Koja had panicked, it was like it had been in his bad times, he had made a mistake. He thought Simon was dead. So he took what was left of the money in the flat and left hurriedly. It was evening, he had taken a greenbus to LA. In LA he knew collegues, rent boys. He had to hide before the police. Probably Ramon was now upset with him as he had killed his son. And the police would  look for him as a murderer. Everything was finished for him.

 

In LA the scene was quite different. The guys he had known from his last escapade were no longer there. Or they did not know him any more. And he was no longer capable of living with the necessary prudence. He had gotten accustomed to live a life of a rich boy. Some friend he had known had sold him narcotics. He needed them to forget. But they were probably not good and the chap had seen that he had more money. In the first night he slept in a garage. He was terribly ill. At last he practically lost consciosness. In the morning all his money was gone. So now he had to go as rent boy to have money. He was taken up by a guy with a wing and a black moustache in a Cadillac. He called himself Jack, but in fact it was an actor  called Cyril Smith, the worst sadist in town. He used him terribly and deposited him in the cellar of his second house near San Franzisco, thinking he was dead, and wanting to put him somewhere in the earth, because he was under control of the police. But he awoke and could escape and arrived to San Franzisco. When he arrived to a station, he took a train. In the station of San Franzisco he was assailed by a guy. But this guy loved him and healed him, It was Raoul. In the meantime Simon was not dead and the girl friend was regretting having done this. Ramon was looking for him. But he didn't know it.

 

And all the time - I only think of Koja - but what I am doing for him? Ramon's bad conscience

 Suddenly I wake up. But where is Alec. He needs my love too. He's away. I panic. Everything is quiet. I go to the former place. It's desert. But my knife, which the old guy didn't take with him when he fled, is no longer there. I Shout. "Alec, where are you. Please come back. I love you." And suddenly I remember. Wasn't he in want of a affirmation from me and, losing his self reliance, and I sent him away? I have a moral obligation towards him. Now he has gone. I have to find him. I can't be without him. He is now important for me. I run. Towards the the gates of the zoo. Running along, somewhere behind the trees I see something flash up in the light of the moon. Now I am upset. I run in the direction I saw the light. Against the tree I see a silhouette. The hand holds the knife that flashed in the moon. It is about to strike the inner of the left arm. I cry. Run. Just when I arrive Alec wants to strike his vein. He is taken by surprise, the blade slides, touches his finger. The blood shoots out of his fingertip. I kneel down, my mouth sucks his blood. The blood stops. I hug him and kiss him. Till he at last comes again to him. "Are you better?" I suck at his finger, till the blood stops. I cry. "Why did you do that?" He's silent. I say: "Well, I know, I have the blame.  I was a bad fellow. You saved my life and I sent you away! But I was down. Please, please excuse me. And he looks at me. Smiles. It's so nice his smile. He helps me up. And he says: "Thank you for saving my life. You are a true friend." "I hope more than only a friend." I reply. I'm so happy. He certainly loves me. I have to help Alec to get up. He does not feel well. Slowly, we walk off. I make myself all sorts of reproaches. I should have realised that he was absolutely in need of a person who wants to help  him. I call a cab. And we leave. I have a grumbling stomach, think to eat something.. Finally we get to Seaside Boulevard. And get out. Even at that time of the night, there is a great traffic. There are some dealers around. Also some gang members with base ball sticks.  I eat a Döner at a Kebab stand. Afterwards I walk on the sidewalk. Looking out for Koja. Perhaps he is now standing and waiting for some person to give him money. I realize only now that the boulevard is behind the zoo. Its now late in the night.  Suddenly the small boy I already saw and helped at the zoo comes running along on the other sidewalk.  I watch again, better. The Gang members are behind him. He tries to pass the boulevard, nearly runs into a car. Is now on the  sidewalk I am on, wants to slide along me. But this is a possibility I do not want to lose. Maybe the boy knows Koja? I don't like it but seize the boy with both hands. He struggles, wants to get free. Shouts for help. But nobody reacts. I try to soothe him. But it's a possibility I do not want to lose. Maybe the boy knows Koja? I say: "I don't want to do you anything, I need simply an information and I want to help you." The gang members with the base ball sticks have remained behind, lurking. I look firmly at them and they turn and saunter away, doing as if they were not interested. They obviously do not want to have a quarrel with this strong guy who looks like a plain-clothed cop. I ask the boy: "Do you want to eat something? A Döner? Wait till I get you some at the stand." And I loosen the grip and the boy runs away. I run behind. Finally I give up to come up to him, I decide to hide and stand behind. Looking where he heads to. And the boy runs and runs. I need to look very intently after him. Suddenly I feel somebody behind me, a hand slides into the back my pants looking for my purse. But I have it inside the pants in a small leather pouch hanging at the belt. My hand grabs the thief's hand and throws him on the sidewalk. I let him lie, walk away. The boy has vanished. I curse. Two times I encountered him, there must be some intent. I  go  up and down the sidewalk, watching. Behind me I hear Alec's sweet voice. "Did you loose him?" I startle, turn around. Again, I forgot him. Happy to have him again, I take his hand, press it on the palm of my hand. "I'm happy that you could follow me. I'm sorry I forgot you again." He says: "I begin to know you. You're rather special." I reply: "I won't encounter the boy anymore. There is no reason to remain. It's now later than midnight.  There is a nice Hotel at a Seaside resort  called Venice. Will go there with me. I know the people there. They know me as their good customer." He nods, pressing my hand against his fly. I smile. Take my handy, phone. My favourite room is still free. I know its on the third floor and has a view  directly on the beach and the sea. I reserve by telephone with my card, we hail a cab. I see that his eyes sparkle. He is such a nice boy and I nearly lost him. The hotel room is really great and nice. We hear the tide and the waves, lie body to body and tell each other our lives. We do not sleep much this night. Alec has a lot to think about this boy in the woods. How can he get over what he had to feel with the raping he had. It's typical and it's what so much pleases me with Alec. He also was submitted to much raping but he makes himself a lot of trouble for a boy he does not know. And there are his feelings of guilt because his father was the perpetrator. I have now a possibility to forget  the anxious thoughts about Koja . He will have to get on, maybe Koja is in San Francisco. But I will not give up looking for him. Now Alec is foremost. Didn't he try to put an end to his life at his young age! This problem is important for him and I have to discuss it thoroughly. I ask: "Why did you know it was your father?" And then he begins telling his youth. The time his mother worked, his father mostly sitting around at home, without job.  And how his father took him up as a babe, fingered his penis with his plump fingers. And how his mother one day come home earlier, found out. The endless rows between his parents and finally when she conceded to help him getting another boy or girl. But she could not cope with this role. She got ill, got a headache, made herself reproaches. Could not work, remained more and more at home until she lost her job. Now both were sitting around having rows the whole day, had no time to look after the boy. He was left alone, had to look himself for his food. Sometimes they went out, disguised, to find some child he could harm. She wouldn't let him touch her son and they had always rows on this subject. When they had these rows Alec was sitting, hiding himself under the table, scared to death. He could not get out, his father  closed the door by key. Until the police found out about their activity and they got sentenced for prison. Alec was given away to a foster family. And there began his hard time. Because he was used sexually by his foster father. For him he was only a child molester's brat and could thank him that he could make it with him. Until he run away. And at last, having told all this, he sleeps. I decide to concentrate on him. Take him out to theatres, concerts.

I save the boy from the Sea

I cant sleep. Finally, when its early in the morning I go out on the balcony. The red ball of the sun comes up on the dark ocean. I decide to go for a walk on the beach. Leave a message, take the handy with me, in case Alec wants to phone me. I put my card with the mobile number on his night table. Before going I take again a good look at him. He is sleeping deeply. Lying on the left side, looking against the sea, his back to me. His cheek lying on his hand, his blond brows over his closed lids, his long curly blond hair hanging over his cheeks.  He had cried,  the water drops could still be seen. When I tried to dry his cheeks, he had pushed me back. I give him a kiss on his closed eyes. He sleeps deeply, he does not wake up. I go down, through the lounge and through the veranda door to the beach. Take a stroll along the beach. I like looking at the sea. Far away the waves are building high walls, when they come to the beach they are small. On the horizon a big ship is cruising. I watch, then I draw off my shoes and stroll bare footed along the waterfront along the beach, gazing into the sea, to the horizon where I think the strands of Honolulu and Tahiti are, where the happy people are living. Suddenly I stop. Far away, in the wall of the sea waves,  a person is swimming or rather struggling in the high waves. I look closer. Its now more than five minutes this person is there. She doesn't come away. I suddenly realize, she probably is fighting with the waves. I know how it is, having missed foot struggling to gain it again, the waves throwing one back into the ocean. I am the only person on the beach thus early. I look around. No boat. But not far there is a telephone and a long stick. I go, want to phone. No tone. hooligans have cut the wire. So I put off my clothes up to the underpants, take the rescue pole and walk it into the sea. Keeping the stick before me like a stiffened penis. Till I feel that somebody is clutching to it. I pull in. Pull and pull. I small boy is clutching to it. When I've pulled him near enough, I take him into my arms. He's not heavy, a light weight, about 10 years of age. But I have to hurry, he has swooned. Now the boy lies on the sand, panting for air. I look closer, it is the boy I saved at the park. I lay him belly down, pat him on the back the water streaming out of his mouth. Then I turn him, through his nostrils suck the water out of his lungs. He is only slowly coming back to live. Seeing or feeling me on him he recoils. Probably he fears somebody is raping him again. After his last experience with Alec's father he must be dreaming of it. At once I get off, lay him on the side. I sit in sure distance opposite of him, watching as he is recovering. This boy is quite distrustful. I like him quite a lot, but nobody knows whether he will distrust me and run away. I cannot stop looking at him, such a nice looking follow, with his brown hair falling to his shoulders. But his scratches, his torn jeans attest that he has gone through a bad time. Probably he is right to be distrustful. Suddenly I feel somebody creeping up behind me and sitting down besides me. I feel, it is Alec. I hug him, pull him to me, kiss him. I'm so distressed. Twice I saved him with own danger of life and  have not been able to gain his trust. I need some friend who does not mistrust me. He says nothing, just sits there besides me, watches together with me. Suddenly some idea comes into my mind. I take my purse, put my visiting card with the telephone number and a phone card and as much money as there is in it. On the visiting card I write: "If you have any problems don't hesitate to phone me, I will always help you without asking everything for it. But I would be very sad if you would fall without somebody to help you. If you don't have money, have lost the telephone card, phone by answer call. Never forget that you have a friend." I lean over and put it into his trousers pockets before he can react. He was still a bit away, he did not really realize it.  He looks bewildered, sits up. I am sitting motionless opposite of him, far enough not to be a danger. I try to look  at him with kind eyes. But o course. I do not look very trustworthy. With my long black hair down to my shoulders, the round glassed spectacles which sit on my hooked nose like a jockey on a horse, all the time sliding down. Each time I grab the spectacles with my hand to keep them from falling off my nose, he shudders. I can't completely neglect my Armenian forefathers. Only the blue eyes under the glass remind of my Swiss mother, but they are small and like the eyes of someone up to mishap. My hair is all black without white stripes but I would rather have blond or light brown hair. But I cannot alter my feature. Even if I bear modern clothes, like wide Calvin Klein trousers and a tee-shirt with Coke Ad on it, I am still an Armenian. People mistrust me. I say: "Are you awakened. You have walked a long way. You are the one who was nearly raped in the park. Maybe you recognise me. I saved you. I can't stand it when they take advantage of such a small boy only to get randy. But as long as you are all alone, there will always be somebody around to harm you. You remind me of a fried I had ten years ago. He vanished. Took his life. What is your name?" The boy looks very bewildered. What does this person with long black hair want of him, why did he save him and why is he after him. To date he has made only bad experiences with men, beginning by the friends of his mother. He shudders thinking what Jack did to him, beginning by doing as if he would cut his balls. After yesterday's experience he went into the water, trying to put an end to his miserable life. And now he is again here on the beach in company of a weird person who looks at him as if he were a probable victim. Probably he is a magnet for these perverts. He looks at Ramon without answering. And the other youngster, he hugs and kisses him as if he were his wife. Why isn't he satisfied with one boy. I sigh. "OK you don't trust me. If you want, you can join us to breakfast in my hotel. But I can and will not bind you to me. But perhaps you can help me. I am looking for a youth  older than you, with blond hair tainted red and green eyes. He is my son and has run away and I fear he is in bad condition." "Shall I answer" he thinks. He has seen somebody of this description on Seaside Boulevard, the quarter were all these rent boys are about, the ones who have to sell themselves to subsist. He could say it. But then he would open a conversation and he doesn't want it. Because he would then respond to the desire of this man to make something with him. I realize that also Alec does not approve of my procedure. So I continue: "Only don't forget. If you will some time be in a situation you were in before you went into the water. Phone me previously on my handy number xxxxxxxxxx. My name is Gandarian, Ramon Gandarian.I will help you whatever happens. I will come from wherever I'll be to help you." The boy listens. Suddenly he gets up and runs away. Remains in the sure distance of 10 yards and stares at me. I am disappointed. Two times I risked my life to save him and he doesn't trust me. But there is no sense running after him.

 

Alec saves the situation

But Alec, this treasure, has sensed my disappointment. Without a word and without losing time he disentangles himself from me. I want to protest, I don't want to loose him too. But before I can say a word he has run towards the boy. I see that he lets him approach and that they discuss. Alec gives him his hand, the boy takes it. He beckons negatively with his head. Then he runs away. I shrug. Hopefully he will see my purse, and will probably use the money to buy himself something. Alec comes back to me and sits besides me. After a time he says: "His name's Johnny. Johnny Smith. He run away from home and now from a crime he has seen. He has seen Koja, he says. At Seaside Boulevard, where all the rent boys are. But this was several days ago. But he doesn't trust you, he thinks you are a child molester, a monster." I look at Alec: "And what do you think. Do you want to leave me too. Now." He smuggles to me. "Of course not, but he is different from me. Very diffident. Leave him alone. Don't you have enough with me?" I lean over and kiss him. "As you know i love you. I don't need somebody else. But I think he should have somebody who helps him. He seems very much alone."  He says: "He will help himself as he has done till now." Then: "You shouldn't have given him the money. He thought you wanted to buy him. He wanted to give it back to me. But I persuaded him to keep it." I look at him: "You are such a treasure. You have saved the situation. I thank you and beg to be forgiven for my last dry remark. But please don't be jealous. This boy will not replace you. He is too young for me." For answer he gives me a kiss. Then I say: "Let's take a bath together as long as there are not many people around. And afterwards we'll have breakfast." It's so nice playing together in the water. Then we sit together on the veranda. Drinking coffee and eating bred, croissant, egg. I realise with pleasure that Alec has a good appetite again, he seems to have gained confidence in life again. "First," I say we'll get your passport, "then I will go to this Seaside Boulevard and ask after Nicos. And I want to have a nice day off together with you." He asks: "Why are you not lodging in the nice flat in Sta Monica." "I thought you would like it better directly on the beach, here in Venice. I know also a nice dancing for gay people here around. I would like t go there with you. But now, after this swimming, I have developed an immense appetite for your wonderful body. Come, let's go to our room." He nods, with his leg caressing me in between my legs and smiling. It's like paradise, I can't believe it. He is so wonderful, clever and sensitive and he loves me, wants my body too. We stand up. On the way up I grab a newspaper which lays around. To read in the room. But arrived in the room, my appetite is so big, I undress and we do love together. Then we sit on the balcony, listening to rolling of the waves. Now I read the paper. First I look on the cultural arrangement. I want to go to a nice opera, together with Alec. It's such a long time I haven't done it. There is "Il Barbiere di Sevilla." on a guest performance of the New Yorker Met. "Love, I say do you want to go with my to an Opera, tomorrow evening. He looks a bit dubious. "Well, he says, I've never heard an Opera.” “The "Barbiere" is just a good introduction. I will explain it to you beforehand. But tonight we'll be dancing." I like this hotel because they have a good ticket reservation system. They also know I like listening to classical opera's  and they have a CD player instead of the obligate TV set. And when I lodge there they always put Opera CDS ready for me. I find an edition of the Barbiere sung by Hampson. I will play it to him. But then I read the newspaper. On the front page is a ghost picture of the boy Johnny Smith! He is searched by the police in connection with a brutal murder, as a witness. Probably the murder he flees from. I heard about the murder when he first came to LA. The victim was the reason why Koja returned back to Los Angeles or San Francisco. Laura the victim got back to see her ex because he made death threats. Probably, if the police could get to Koja he could give them the right clue and that is why Koja has so completely vanished. Now this ad changes the situation for Johnny Smith completely. There is ransom money out for him, probably everybody is now hunting him to earn the Money, and the murderer will probably try to kill him now he knows there is a witness around. I have to look for him, because now he needs a true friend. I tell everything to Alec. Today we don't have much time to sun-bathe. So we get up again, get the new passport of Alec. Afterwards I walk Seaside boulevard. I contact all rent boys I find. And they are not simple to find, as rent boys, as in contrast to whores, tend to hide shamefully. Nobody seems to know of a person who has the looks of Koja. At last I find sombody who remembers having seen somebody of the looks of Koja enter a pink Cadillac. But he doesn't remember the Number plate and the looks of the Guy that took him up. He says it went off direction South. Mexican border.I thank and give him a nice tip and suddenly he remembers that the driver had a dark moustache and black hairs which by better looking seemed to be a wing. For the time being these hints don't help me on. I take a cab back to Venice, to look around in this beach town for Johnny. He cannot have got far. One time, having encountered a building like a modern looking Synagogue, I think I have seen him, but he vanishes into the Synagogue. Shortly afterwards an old Jew emerges. I ask him where the boy is, which entered just now. He looks defiantly and denies having seen him. I don't believe him, he is a bad liar. But I can't enter the Synagogue, it's closed. It will be open for cult tomorrow morning. Finally I take out my visiting card. I say. "As you have seen Johnny has been subscribed by the police. I want to help him. If you do encounter him, please tell me." He looks at my name. I see that Gandarian doesn't mean anything for him. Worse, he probably thinks I am a sex tourist together with a boy. I don’t know if California is the state in the US, where homosexuality is forbidden. But I don’t think so. I think its rather some Southern state. Anyhow, as we walk down the avenue, suddenly there comes the police car all sirens on. they control our passport. But of course they cannot say anything. I am according to the passports, Ramon Gandarian together with his son Alexis. Alexis he wrote into the passport, I now realize. The police apologizes. We go into a shop and I buy fine clothes for Alec. We want to go out dancing tonight. We change and we go. It's such a nice evening, dancing body by body with Alec. We go back to the room. We want to finish it. I long to make love once more with Alec. Alec goes to the toilet. To wash and prepare. And then happens the doomed. Out of the toilet bag of Alec a watch looks. Funny, I never saw a watch on Alec. I take the watch out of the bag. I wonder. It's a very expensive watch and I wouldn't think a boy like Alec would be wearing it. Perhaps he stole it somewhere. But that doesn't interest me. Poor boys like Alec have the right to rob the rich of their unnecessary items. I'm no Robin Hood for the rich. They usually look enough for them. But then I frown, look at it more thoroughly.  Now I see it clearly. This is the watch I gave to Koja. I take the watch, posture myself, put my clothes on. When Alec comes out of the toilet, all fine and happy, I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, showing him the watch. I have built myself a rage, don't know anymore what I do. I say:“ come here, look at what I found in your toilet bag. Show here at the rear, the initials RG, they are mine. It's a Patek Philip Watch, specially made for me and I gave it to Koja." He's taken by surprise, he can't answer in his usual lying. But first he is upset that I opened his private things.

 

A quarrel with Alec

First he tries with bluffing: What are you doping in my private things.” I don’t budge. He gets uncertain. He doesn’t want to lose me. He stutters: "I got it as a present." I cut into his phrase: "You told me you  don't know Koja and you didn't tell me you saw.  If I had known  it could have helped him. You did not only bad to him but also to me. You are no longer my friend." Now he loses his countenance, he cries, falls on his knees. "Please, please excuse me, I was in such a need, he was high, boasted with that watch and the money he had, we slept together. When I awoke, it was morning and I was so down, I stole it from him. Because I needed the money badly. The dope merchants were after me. And they took all the money from me. Gave me these invaluable lottery tickets in exchange.” He is really crying. “Please, excuse me.” he says. In fact I should have pardoned him, he did only save his survival. But I was in my gipsy mood not to pardon. I pulled the passport from his trousers and said: "You are no longer my son, you're a cheater, a thief and a liar, vanish from here " He cried, begged for pardon, but I was hard. Finally he left. Forgot even to take all his clothes and the money I had given him. I heard his steps and his sobs long afterwards as he descended the stairs. When I went down to the lounge, the hotel people were very surprised.  Everybody looked back to me, as I paid the room, and told them to bring my things to my Pasadena penthouse. I decided to go by foot in order to calm myself down. I was in a self pity mood, talking to myself as I passed a house. Something irritated me. I went back to look what it was. The door seemed to have been opened by force, I'm always noisy and don't avoid trouble. So I entered and peered into the interior. A dark suited bandit with a knife was standing there and tried to force a toilet door. I thought I had to help the people who are being ransacked. I entered, the assail or was so absorbed in what he did. He did not realize somebody had entered. I could glimpse into the toilet and saw Johnny trying to hide in the tub. Coiling up on the bottom, trying to protect himself. The assailant seemed to be in a frenzy. He advanced toward the boy with the knife. I had to  do something to distract his attention. Now I took the pistol in my hand, taped him slightly on the shoulder, because I  never shoot somebody from behind. The perpretor turned around quickly. I grabbed  his knife with a hand, pulled it away from  him. My hand bled. I looked into his face. Looked into his eyes. He had changed his face, but he had the same ill-looking, cold, freezing, blue eyes." But you are Melvin" I shouted, then put him the pistol on his temple. "Tell me, "you rascal, where is Koja. What did you do with him" Melvin laughed, as if he were directly issuing from hell. "I frightened the devil out of him, molested him that he died. Ha ha ha you won't find your sweetheart again.” “Tell me were he is, I said, shaking him, choking.” “He's half dead at my house near San Francisco." he finally said, when he realised that my grip was hard. Behind him, I heard footsteps, somebody shouting." Police!". The Police, already, this did not fit into my concept. I loosed my grip, forgot that Melvin was still in my clutch, let him wrench  the pistol out of my hand by surprise. I was in his shooting range. But Johnny was very much in danger if I could not distract the attention of the murderer. I decided to put up a show. "Now it's you and me I said, bluffing. "This boy is a small fry, but I saw you when you stabbed Laura" Of course I did not. But it distracted him. Melvin was quicker than I was. He gave without warning a shot at me. The bullet bounced off my bullet proof vest on the side. But I lost my equilibrium and fell. But falling I grabbed Melvin and wrestled him to his back. The boy was completely intimidated. But he  realized at last that I wanted to protect him, climbed out of the tub and went over to me. But fortunately he swooned before he got as far. Because the assailer, whom I now realized was  the husband of Laura, and the murderer of her, could only very difficultly be dominated by me who was also wounded. The Police woman got behind the assailer and bound his hands. Then she looked at me. "I know you from somewhere." I gasped, but waited, said nothing. "But I have seen you somewhere on TV, are you not the Nobel prize winner, yes..Ramon Gadarian:" I laughed: "That's why you find me here, noisy and protecting runaway boys." "But why just boys. And risking your life for it." "Well, for girls there are already other institutions doing it. And what concerns my life, I did it for another reason. I’m looking for new adventures for my books. But Johnny doesn't trust me, he doesn't even want to give me his name." But now Johnny was awakened again, approached me, embraced me.“ I don't understand why you did this. But I hope that you will never leave me." I  laughed. "If anybody would understand me,“ I said" I think nobody would want to know me. But actually I do everything without hind thinking. I like you, because of your courage." And I went silent, this was nothing for the police. I was only slightly wounded, as they were busy embarking Johnny for the hospital, I sneaked out. I knew in which hospital he was brought. And it will have to be for quite a time. And I will visit him.

 

I quieten down and regret my temper with Alec

But my mood was calmed down. I regretted having lost my temper and having sent Alec away. I need this friend. And what did he do? Of course he robbed a companion, a follow sufferer of his means in order not to go under himself. But what is my right, I who never suffered like him, to judge him and to punish him? Or, does it help Koja in any way that I sent Alec to new misfortune and perhaps his doom. No, I have reacted very selfishly and insensibly. I am ashamed of myself. And I still love Alec dearly. I will mend, I must find him again. I pray to God to find him again. So I walk the place at Seaside boulevard up and down. Looking. Ask others if they have seen this blond and blue eyed youngster. But it is dark and several times I walk past his huddled figure crouching down on the sidewalk. At last, thanks to God, I look around me, and recognize the person all crouched on the pavement. It must be Alec. I crouch besides him. He doesn't remark me, seems not to be present. I don't want to knock on his shoulder or touch him, lest he should get afraid. A long time we crouch one besides the other. Sudenly his whole body trembles, is shaken like if he was ill. He trembles. I can't just sit here. impassive. My arm reaches over, embraces him, presses his body to my. Then at last he looks up. Seeing me, he gets a smile on his face. Then he remembers, recoils away from me, looses his smile. I think he wants to escape. Now I have to act. I hug him even more to me, saying: "It's me Alec. I acted very wrongly with you. I got proud and hard hearted. Please forgive me." He quietens down. He now looks fully in my eyes: "It's me that acted very wrongly." He says. "I ruined Koja. I now realize it was selfish and wrong. He has vanished, probably took his life. But when I slept with him, my resources were finished, I thought only of me. And he boasted about his watch he had got from a friend, his money. I thought that he was better positioned then I. With part of the money. But now I think I pay for it, my whole body is trembling, I'm cold and hot together, I have a headache." "Hush" I say. "Don't speak now about it. You had to survive. It's the nature of the situation you were in. And in fact I'm happy that it happened. Because it shows you also have flaws as I have them, too. You are more human to me." I seal his mouth with a kiss. Then I continue: "But it's not God's punishment your illness. It's only that you got bad stuff. You should really stop taking narcotics. You can't get over your problems with them. You only make them worse. And when they let go in their effect it's much worse for you." But I feel how he is getting better as I hug him. His body relaxes. He says: "You chased me. I lost every hope and it was the only possibility to stand the idea to be without you. I don't have the courage to take my life. And when these man want sex with me and I don't love them, it's so terrible, I need this to get over it." I know that it's common practice under rent boys to take drugs to be able to endure what is asked of them. Well and as I chased him he forgot his clothes and all the money I had given him. That explains that he needed to go on rent at once. I look at him. He does seem to have suffered under this last customer. But I do not want to get him to stir up his sufferings, know he has again calmed down. Therefore I continue: "I now have to act. I heard that Koja was badly injured. He did not try suicide but went into an ambush. I must find him. Do you suffer a lot? I can bring you to the flat in Pasadena where you can wait for me. But he protests. "It's my fault that it happened to Koja. I want to help you looking for him?" But then he gets sad. "But probably he hates me.“ "Probably"  I say, but he now has other problems. And I will speak to him. He’s like me, ready to forgive to somebody who's so beautiful like you are." Then I continue, seriously again. "But you have not slept tonight and you have suffered a lot. You certainly must have no guilt for what happened, because you did the only possible." "But I still want to come." "OK your offer to help only shows your super character, Alec. I think I now know a way to find him. He was badly injured by one called Melvin who wanted to kill him. But probably he is not dead. We have to go to the house of this Melvin. Then we will have to look further. " Then I give him his passport. Then I say, hugging his beautiful body even more to me: "Do you want to give me a kiss to finish the quarrel?“ And we kiss deeply and long. It's so nice to be together again. It's now very early in the morning. And the end of the night. The first light is coming up. And so quickly did I find Alec. The only thing that hurts me, is that I do not know what he did after leaving me. I am profoundly jealous. What if the lover  he had to take, misused him and did him harm. With my hand I caress his back going down. Suddenly he shudders. It's clear, he's been hurt as was to be expected. "Love," I say "doesn't it pain you. I think before going further we should visit a doctor." We go to the hospital where I was." And of course we get lots of trouble because the police is there, interrogating Johnny. When I arrive they take the opportunity to interrogate me. They are upset that I did not remain yesterday. And they are much interested why I wanted to save this unknown boy. Apparently she told about me to her colleague. But the papers are all right and nobody suspects Alec not being my son. I succeed to hear from the police woman where Melvin has his second house. But it seems the police has already investigated there. They have found two corpses. I make nice eyes to Miss Smith the detective. I make a visit to Johnny. The boy has now confides in me. For the moment he is under psychological treatment. But later on there will be the problem of his being adopted. I would like to adopt him but I doubt the authorities will trust me. But I promise him to keep contact with him. I do not want him to come into an institution.

On the way to San Francisco

A song - translated: On the way to San Francisco

It's middle of the morning when we are at last on the Greyhound on the way to San Francisco. I took the bus because I think I will have the best chances to find Koja at an official station. Alec is anxious thinking how he will be received by Koja. And he tells me how he met him.