Pavilion at Lago Chapulthepec

2) Raúl

Thierry’s head is still resting on Davids lap, who continues to read aloud he story of José's martyrdom in the Aztec temple of the Chapultehec lake. He reads:


At last the hot whipping rain stops.

My body is now hot excited and tensed. ….


Thierry stops him. Takes the manuscript from him. “This is nothing for feeble creatures. It’s really hot porn. And censured. I don’t want it being published.” David protests. “It’s not right. I was just beginning to enjoy it. It so fits my utterly spoilt nature as the youth judge told me when I escaped the home when I was fourteen.” He sighs, looks imploringly at Thierry. But Thierry sees he is about to burst out in laughter. He keeps the manuscript so firmly David can’t wrestle it from him. Soon they fall from the bed, rolling on the floor, each one trying to mount upon the other till they calm down and press their limbs one to the other enjoying their warm bodies. David can`t resist, he wants to be stern but can’t stop kissing and caressing Thierry. All the time he tries to wind the manuscript from Thierry's hands. But Thierry has thrown it away and doesn’t let David get it. Instead he grasps him firmly, kissing him. At last David gets his mouth away from Thierry’s mouth, but can’t wriggle away from his  firm grip. Finally after much struggling he says: “No, really, it’s unjust. I will complain to the European Law Court. You can read it and I not. I want to know what happened further on to José McDuff and if he succeeded escaping this ordeal.  He never wants to say anything about this. And besides porn also excites me. Please don’t play the greedy censor who reads what pleases him and withholds it from others on pretext that what is good for him is bad for the others. Please. Please”  As Thierry doesn’t react, he puts his hand  where Thierry is specially excitable and rubs till Thierry’s whole body wriggles and Thierry begs: “Please have mercy on me, open my fly and take it in your hand.” As David doesn’t react and continues he begs: “I will tell you in short sentences what happened but you can read the manuscript only if during three whole months you remain loyal only to me. Don’t always smile at this neighbor with the long curly hairs." David moans. He says: “Yes, please do tell me. But read me the manuscript at once. I swear eternal loyalty to you by the head of my Grandmother’s aunt Dolores.” Thierry laughs. “You don’t have to swear by somebody who certainly doesn’t live any longer. Just keep your loyalty for 3 months and I will be satisfied." David sighs “OK you won.” Slips down Thierry’s body and opens his fly and soon Thierry is in heaven and David rejoices looking at his love. They have completely undressed. Thierry bends his head, kisses Davids’ hands.

Of course David will never get the manuscript to read. Because of course he can't be streadfast. The very next day he smiles at the beautiful neighbour and both will be found out by Thierry sitting on a bank and kissing each other. Thierry is so upset that he takes the manuscript, shreds it to pieces and throws it into the toilett. 

So that is what David heard from Thierry before this incident:

"As you know, they planned to kill José in small portions, letting him endure much pain. And that because Ramon had at last found him and Ramon was considered to be one of the most dangerous enemies of the gang. First Clara had tried to let it look as if it were the murder of José were done by Ramon himself. But Ramon looked through this stratagem and offered José shelter.  They had to kidnap him when Ramon was in Moscow trying to safe Koja from imrisonment and during 3 days they submitted him to the most terrible tortures in the pavilion and the castle of Chapultepec. The castle was a dignified locaty as there the Spaniard Inquisition had tortured Aztec noblemen and women to death. And the police did nothing of course. 

José was whipped and tormented in the pavilion and afterwards chased though the garden by a special hard-biting dog. And then entered Raul. Raúl had been José's best friend till he had been forced to give him up to the organization. Juarez planned to build him up to José's successor and to get him to kill José to tie him to him. This didn't succeed but I will tell it later on:  First I will read you about the first day he got to knew the boss."

Oh yes, read it, says David and curls to Thierry.  

Now, at last, the inclined reader who has come up to here will ask: "Why are two grown up men in their forties, who should be busy working or playing with their children in their families, behaving so childish and reading ridiculous stories. One of them, Thierry, has a family, even. David is a jazz musician, artist on his own and never got integrated in society. But Thierry?  and where did he leave his duties. As  can be read in his story, he possessed a small photograpic shop opposite the Gothic Cathedral in a small town in North Eastern France. He has a wife and two fine children. But he had an impulse to write. About his secret longings he coudn't even accept. And now, one of the personages of his novel appeared suddenly in his real life. David Morgan, with whom Ramon Gandarian who was always a libertin had enjoyed a short honeymoon, both in the tender age of 15 where you are supposed to have no such terrible sexual drives, bought a roll of Kodak 120 film at Thierry's shop. And they knew each other intimately on a bench in the little park of the cathedral. But Thierry went back to his duties and David off to Mexico to Ramon. But then came the phone call from David inviting him to the Jazz Festival in Montreux where David played. And then Thierry left everything behind and now Thierry is living together with David in this small French town on a lake south of Geneva, still without a job.

An immortal story, but maybe an Xmas story, completely ununderstandable, and the writer rejoices bringing his readers in uncertainty. 

And now Thierry, takes his manuscript from where he has hidden it and reads, as we know each one sitting on the lap of the other. It's completely inutterable, two grown up men sitting on each others lap! And the writer knows he is now fit to run in circels in the 7th plane of hell why God lets pour down a fiery rain. But he has to stamp with his feet our society's unwritten rules and hell is no threat for him as he doesn't believe in our Church:


Raúl is of my age. A nice fellow with a broad chest, about my height, his fair brown hair curly and not cut, really deep brown eyes,  his forehead high and bulsting, his furrows nicely swung. He brings with him a terrier who barks at me. Another dog, so from now on two dogs will harass me. And a terrible half hour awaits me while I have to run around on all four picking up pebbles and Juan Ramirez and Raúl whipp me together. It was not always like this. Raúl was my lover and we passed so many happy hours together. I had to give him over to Ramirez and will never forget this Sunday afternoon. Ramirez had come along to our address and invited us to the Mapplethorpe exibition in town. I had to come and he had surprised me. Ramirez treated me like his slave as I was heavily indebted to him. He furnished me with stuff against credit, I had to sell it and deliver anything I earned to him. He boasted as my protector but used me like a slave and I had to submit as otherwise he would deliver me to the police. I hadn't told anything of this to Raúl, pretended that I was working on a normal job. But how can you work in Mexico, when you are not Mexican and have no trade. I had come here from further south to get later on to the States where there are  plenty of possiblities to work. But I had no money to pay the Schleppers and after I had been taken up at the frontier and sent back I was stuck without money here and got entangled in this net. Juarez, the boss of the mafioso organzation knew my illegal father, the officer of the Contras, known everywhere in the bush in Nicaragua as the Red haired monster and you relied on money supplied by the organization and said he was giving me a chance. But in fact he used me as a submissive slave, who agreed being used for all sorts of not lawabiding jobs and for his sexual pleasure. Because of course I loved him, for the physical strength, his hairy breast, his masculinity, which I so much longed for and didn't have. He dispised me, loving only women. And misused my good will, being a macho brute. But I had got so much involved I could not leave him.


I didn't want to acquaint Raúl with Ramirez. Wanted to keep him as my personal friend. And refused to make him known to others. Because I knew then that I would loose him. Now I have lost Raúl as friend and gained a new person who presents me with punishments and tortures. I think Raúl has only disdain left over for me. The visit of the Mapplethorpe exhibition didn't take place as I thought. Walking along between Raúl and Ramirez, whom I can only call with "My master", the master didn't leave out one opportunity to treat me as his submissive slave, his hand reaching into intim spheres. Raúl was amused. Suddenly he dragged me to the toiletts where I had to kneel and suck him. After a while Raúl came to see what happened. I wanted to steal away even loosing everything but his grip was firm and then both of them raped me in this dirty toilett. They forced me to follow them to the masters flat. There we ate and drank and I got pretty drunk. I was flogged till I agreed to be happy that Raúl would be the masters new assistent and I the slave of both.


David laughs again. He takes my head and gives me a kiss. I can't continue and in some aspects this brutal business which imposed me when I was still searching me for my personality disgusts me now. But it was written and I stand to it. Now, having found David, I can no longer think so pessimistic. I am in heaven. Again we love each other, then get up to eat something. Some bread and cheese just taken out of the fridge. I begin to adjust myself to David's manner of living. David laughs and tells me that José does not like hamburgers. But what does it matter to me. I drink some glasses of red wine. We go back to the couch, looking out over the lake to the snow picked sommets of Savoie. I settle down to continue:


It was so terrible. my hand and feet  were bound and I was put on an immense prick sitting in the middle of the room. I had to look how the master was putting his arms round Raúl's small shoulders and took Raoul's brown shock of hair, turned his fine head towards him, looked into his brown eyes, slipped with a finger over his brows, his narrow nose and his lips and kissed him on his mouth. I felt the erotic atmosphere and knew it from before when I had been treated like this. And I felt his longing for the hairy breast of the Macho when the master petted his delicate palms. Raúl didn't even give me a look. That was hard, to be left outside. Then Raúl could kneel down and well... they left the room, went into the the bath           and closed the door. The master threw a bad look into my direction before disappearing and laughed. I heard the water running and Raúl emitting high pitched cries and knew they were making love together. Sitting on the prick of course I got excited and at the same time jealous as Raúl had been mine and I his and now this barbarian with his broad breast full of pitch black hair had taken my turn. They amused themselsves as a strampled to try not to slip down the prick. But .... yes I loved the feeling, even as the tears dropped down my cheeks, as I am a monstrum. After they had done to their satisfaction, the master came out and I was relieved from the prick in my ass, allowed to lick on my knees the seamen from the masters thighs."

I stop reading. It's too painfull for me. And I do no longer think that what is written here corresponds with my sentiments today. I look at David. "Well that's all I will read and tell you. You can read the rest for you alone. If you are loyal to me." Now he laughs. "You invented us for your pleasure, now you want to get rid of us only for a whim, you have to stand to what you think." He is right, I do not even want to stand to myself, I am no simple person. I am different personas at the same time, like the divine marquise (de Sade) who is the first who has understood the true character of the person of ourmodern times. I feel terribly ridiculous. It seems that I reflect my feelings in my looking, for David looks perplexed at me. Fortunately the telephone rings to free me from having to explain myself. I take the phone. Say hello. A strange voice responds. "Here is Ramon Gandarian. Is it Thierry Blueye. " "No Lachaux!" I correct and realize only later that this was a joke and I fell into it." Gandarian laughs. "Well, I am here in Geneva at the airport. Can you get me." I am completely at a loss. I stammer: "Well, yes, of course." And then I realize that Ramon Gandarian, the great Ramon himself is at the phone. The one I dreamt to know as soon as I had written his character and did not think I would even see him. I want to say something, but I have to find my wits again. He speaks before I can utter a word. "Is David with you? If he is, take him with you. He probably still knows how I look. I am not alone. I am here with nearly all of my coven, with Koja, Alec, Daniel, Hassan and Said. I made a detour through Marocco and brought some nice guys from there with me." He is really as the Ramon I dreamt and wrote of and as I would never be, extraverted, always using all his possibilities. I look at David while I speak to him. "Will you come with me to get Ramon. He is at the airport." David waves me off with his nice hands with which he can do so many good things and which he always throws about him like the wings of a wind mill. He is putting on his jeans and trousers, while I say into the telephone. "Well I'll come alone. Where are you waiting?" He seems  perplexed. "OK" he says after some consideration, "I will wait for you where I am standing now, before the check-in counter for Swissair." I can only say: "Well I'll be there in an hour, It would be better if you would wait for me in the restaurant. Do you see one from where you are?" "Ah yes, there is just the airport restaurant, the first table is still free." Then there is suddenly a shuffling. I hear a loud admonition. "Wait now, Daniel, don't go away" and he hangs up without even saying good bye. I tell David. "I suppose he is now pretty upset that you won't even greet him." David only laughs. "I will go and take a pint at Ernesto. " I can't say anything, because he has taken his jacket and exits, slamming the door. What does he have? Yesterday I caught him looking with watery eyes at Ramon's photo, today he disappears as Ramon makes us a visit. I sigh. Funny moments will come. David is not simple. But I already found out, each time he has a problem, he tends to go to get "a pint". I put my manuscript into the drawer, put on my jeans suit and go down the stairs into the garage, to our car. I wonder: Why did you respond so quickly to orders. And I have to admit: It's like if Johnny Holliwood or Holliday  would come, I am like in a trance. Never in life did I know a diva. And he is like a diva. He has his admirers.

The road is interminably long. When you come to the lac leman, it's so nice. On the right the blue mirror of the lake, the vineyards, behind the snowcapped mountains. There is quite a trafficjam as it always is through Geneva. When at last I have parked my car more than two hours and a half has elapsed. I recognise Ramon at once. He is sitting at a round table. Besides sits a real angel with blond hair and blue eyes. Another dark angel with dark curly hair and brown eyes is sitting beside the blond haired angel flanked by two small arabs. It's an idyllic view and there is a lot of cuddling going on. Ramon greets me with his loud clear voice. "Ah here's our angel. Like all heavenly creatures he is late." He gets up, bows mockingly to me and kisses me on both cheeks. I take together all my courage, boldly I answer kissing him on his mouth. He sighs: "Not here, my angel, later on if you want." I whisper into his ears: " I so much long lying besides you, my coocoo." He smiles all over his face. "I see you have learned from David. Like I did." he says. "Sometimes I thought you were an impostor." Then he bows towards the blond one: "May I present you with my treasure, Alec." Then he bows towards the curled blackhaired one: "This is Daniel" Daniel stands up and smiles at me. Suddenly my impression grips me: such a nice follow! I go to him and caress his curly hair and kiss him, on his uptended mouth. Ramon looks amused. "I see you have a good taste." He says. But Daniel throws an annoyed look at Ramon. Which I realize. At once Ramon apologizes. "I'm so sorry, Daniel. I can't love you as much as you love me." Then he presents me to the two dark skinned chaps. "They are from Marocco, Said and Mohammed. Friends of Daniel. But where is José." He says. I am freezed. Four guys till now and there is even one more. Ramon looks at me. "I will explain it in the car. I wanted to make you a visit with Alec, but now I'm coming with four more people. You'll have to cope with it. I say; "Well, you'll have to squeeze in the car and then in our small flat. But maybe the neighbour will lend us her flat, she is going on holidays." At last a wonderful youth with fair hazelnut red hair and almond shaped eyes comes from the toilett. He presents himself: "Hi, I am José." 

The evening

The same evening, I, Daniel, am sitting alone in Thierry's flat.  All have gone out to a drink in a pub at the lakeside. I feel ill and sad. Have no pleasure being together with the laughing and joking group. Have spent the light and lie on the bed in the dark room.I am so much in love with Ramon. And he doesn't want to know anything from me. Too young, he says. But I am old enough to feel love. He simply prefers blond guys with blue eyes like Alec. I feel humiliated.  What makes me so different from others. I need love too, like the others. And I am over the age, he doesn't have to make me smaller.  They decided to look for David together, because Ramon wants to see him of course. And he is somewhere in a pub, drinking like always because of course he wanted to avoid seeing Ramon again. They are like two cats. When they on their own, they long after each other and when they are together they get into a row. And they met so young and for both it was mutually their first love.

This afternoon was so terrible. We were sitting in the lounge waiting for Thierry. Ramon petted  José

The stories I found in the cupboard are quite pornographic. While I read a hill rises in my pants I open my fly and help with my hand while I read:

"Raúls high pitched laugh invades me like an arrow." I can't continue. Stop. Who is Raúl? I didn't see him. What role did he play in this tragedy which still haunts me sometimes in my dreams. Interested I continue and read how Raúl tortured José after Ramirez had retired to his women.

Suddenly I hear the key in the lock. I stand up, take my hand away while I hear Thierry's voice:"Daniel, how are you? Are you still in bed?" Thierry comes into the room. He looks at me lying on the bed. I beome red because I realize that he looks intently at my fly-hole. "You're  reading my book, are molesting yourself." He sobs. What do you think of me? I am puzzled. "What should I? José told me that and it is exactly what you write and it happened to him." He looks even more bewildered. "I don't understand. I write down the fruit of my pervert fantasy. And now, all the people I thought of are in my real life." Then he suddenly shudders. "You did not read anything about you." I nod "no". "You shouldn't read on. Its so ugly what I thought happening to you. You will think very bad of me." And he takes the book away from me. I am even more perplexed, "Why? it is written very well and it happened like this. But you didn't do the hurting, it was the "master". Juarez." Then I reconsider. "You know, I even took a liking to it. Would you do it to me?" He again looks at me  as if I were a ghost.  Then he bends down towards me. He caresses my black curly hair looking into my pitch black eyes. "You know, you are so nice, Daniel. I could never hurt you." Now I am bursting into tears. Get my mouth up to him to kiss him. "You like me." "I love you Daniel. But you are already loving José. And I must be like a Grandfather to you." "No, it's Said I love, I answer." He looks perplexed. "But José told me..."I fall into his sentence. "But it doesn't matter, and you are not too old, you are nice and fine and I thought I could love you if you loved me when I think that you can write. Will you teach me to write." He cries and laughs, bends down to me and kisses me on my mouth. I never thought my wish could be fulfilled in such a short time. When at last he lets go, he says: "It's not difficult and you do not have to be taught when you read. I will give you books to read." But please promise me that you won't read on my book." I promise but think of reading it all the same. This Raúl puzzles me too much. On the first night when Thierry will not be around I will continue the story. But now he realizes that I won't keep my promise. He looks at me then suddenly says. "Well, read it. But don't think too bad of me. You know. I wrote it when I was in pitch black mood. Now I would not like to think about anything so bad." And so I continued it on the following night after having laid in bed with him and David, in the midth of them. After all three  of us had made love together, Thierry with David and me, we lay together. I lay besides Thierry on the edge of the bed. I was so happy, I couldn't sleep and got up into the toilett and read on. It continued as follows: "...."  No.. I won't tell you how it continued as I would get red all over the face - it's too pornographic and I don't want to share it with everyone. I'll read you only the end, when Raùl hears from José that they intent to kill him - José realized it from the beginning:

It's simply that Raùl realizes he takes pleasure in being rude to José, slapping him, forcing him to eat his shit and so on. But he still loves him, doesn't want to kill him. He likes to make him pain and José likes the idea of getting pain from the one he loves, or does he really, or is it only an illusion? - well I don't understand, I too have sometimes so intricate feelings which prickle me erotically and I do not know why. Am I ill? I now Homosexuality a filthy disease, how somebody told me. Should I be healed as some people proposed me. I say they should be healed, they simply fear the abbyss of intricate feelings and think they can avoid it by building high stony walls around what they think are  "healthy" thoughts, and usully these thoughts are theirs and not those of the others. Well I'm losing my way, I continue. Raùl has chased José through the whole garden and José sprang into the water and tried to suffocate there, his head in the water. But Raùl pulled him out of the water. I read the last lines:

"In the end I was on the edge of the water, everywhere on my body it hurt, Raùl was in a fit, he continued whipping me. Till in the last moment I sprang down into the water. The head stuck in the mud, the back sticking up into the air and he took me like that and even from Raùl which I loved, it was no longer nice for me. I decided to die, like this, suffocating in the water. But he swore like a devil  and pulled me out and gave me a mouth to mouth breathing. This was nice. But the pain was stronger, too strong. Here I laid on the lawn, still aroused but wishing to die. And again he barked an order, I should get up and walk in my situation to the castle. I can't get on my feet in this condition and implore him to kill me. To put an end to it. Now, to all this pain as I have to die anyhow. "Please," I say, "Raul, do it. I can't stand it any more." Puzzled, he leaves me and exclaims: "But, I thought you wanted to be harassed like this. After the visit of the  Mapplethorpe exhibition and you let do everything with yourself, I thought you were such a maso who needs this for life." Now I burst out into tears. It was the first time I dared and it did me so good. "No." I said. "I never did wish what happened after this visit. I never wanted to pull you into the organization. But I made mistakes and the worst is that I thought that the invitation to the Mapplethorpe exhibition was genuine in behalf of the master. But it was not and  I am so sorry." Now he kneels down and embraces me and I profit to say: "I love you Raùl. But he doesn't. He can only love women and hurt them. Please, Raùl, run away for your life. I have to die but you should get free." He doesn't understand. I explain: "You will have to kill me to get you the free way to be my successor, Tomorrow, and it will be a torture far worse than now. I had to look on once already. Already I can't stand it." He cries out: "What! I your successor with this old  sucker! Ah, I didn't realize it. I'll kill him and run away with you."

But he said too much. The master was sitting all the time behind us, hiding and watching us. He says: "All right Raùl. I'll educate till you get the right attitude." He laugs bitterly. He wants to seize Raùl but he has already escaped. He shouts after him: "Well, my men will catch you all right. But keep well in mind that every thing you did this afternoon is recorded on video."

He now turns to José. "Now it's between me and you, my Angel." he laughs "Somehow I thought you would try to meddle. Your professor and mentor has strengthened your selfconfidence and brought you up against me. Me who only want your best." And he sighs, looking up to the sky. "The devil is my worst enemy," he continues. "And I only want to save your dark souls of men-fucker.  But you will die all right and Raùl with you, tomorrow they will have caught him and brought him to me. Ah, I have no easy task. Delivering the world of the such malefactors as you are. And I never thought of course that you would proof to be so unthankful to my endeavours to better you. And you still hope your professor will safe you? He will keep quiet and is visiting Moscow anyhow. He will not lift the smallest finger now he knows that you were a spy to open us the way to search his flats. He now knows that we are efficient anyway and won't dare to risk too much. And who knows what can happen to him with the barbarians in Russia! The bad people, the devils who are there! My love, my soft skinned rabbit!" And he spits on me. "Remember Erwin and how he vanished. Fi you, we didn't want to do him bad. He forced us! Remember. And you brought us to him." It reverberates in my head. I betrayed Erwin, my only friend who understood me and had now to pay the fee. I am now ready.  I say: "Yes kill me." But he continues. "Don't think you can sneak out so cheaply. I want to have something of you, to realize you are sorry, before finishing it with you. I want to have lots of fun with you. You are beautiful and will have to suffer for it. The devil gives nice bodies." He clutches my breast and pulls me up on the feet. Takes his belt and says: "We'll dance a Veit's dance." My body tenses while I wait. He turns my body around and swings the belt hitting my thighs." The hands bound behind me, I now dance under his blows, while he humms a waltz. I try escaping the hot blows, throwing my legs up and down.  It's so painful that I cry and the tears run down my cheeks. I regret that I have insulted him and cry out:"Please, please, have pity with me." But he laughs high and nasty: "Now I have you where I wanted you, I will torment you up to your last sigh and you won't feel better. You will regret it having gone to this Gandarian and wanting it better then we give it to you, your loving father and myself, to betray us!" He grabs me and throws me down to the floor so that I lie on my back. I am lying there helpless. I am too young, I don't want to die, especially now I have known Ramon and how nice life could be. Yesterday I was  brave and wrote on a piece of paper I put into the closet in Ramon's flat: "Dont worry for me, I will die but it was so nice with you for this short time I do it without regret." Now I think it could be nice also for my whole life.   And now he has probably not read my slip as he is in Moscow and they have read it and that's the reason they are so hard with me. I thought he had forgotten me. But how the matter evolved is what I have earned, I am such a miserable failure. 

Now Daniel is really tired. He cannot even read what is written. He leaves the manuscript and goes back to the bed, lies down. falls asleeps at once. But shortly after he awakens again. He had a nightmare, dreamt again of his days in Chapultepec. He desperately clings to Thierry. And at last he can sleep. But he awakens in the early morning. There is a row going on between Thierry and David. David is jealous. Now there is this Daniel between him and Thierry. He wants to leave. But Daniel says that he will rather leave as the intruder. Thierry forbids Daniel to read any more of his manuscript and locks it into the drawer. It will only be found much later, after Thierry's death.

But Ramon has not forgtten José, he has had to fly quickly to Moscow because at last Koja has been seen there, ill, addicted and under the safeguard of the police and he feels an obligation to safe him. But he will contact by phone everybody he knows to get José out of the clutches of the mafia.

And there is Raúl hiding before the clutches of the organization and of the police. He needs the stuff, and has to reveal himself to get it. What will happen? He is realistic and thinks first of himself. But he can't forget José and wants to help him. His grudges are now against Juan Juarez whom he loved. But what can he do, considering the immense might of the organization? He thought Ramon could help him. But at the address given him by José there are police and men of the organization and it is only by chance he escaped getting into the clutches of the one or the other. He is no more than a person with feeble self-esteem and a hunted deer anyhow. He is in complete loss what to do, feels frustrated but has some money left. So when he meets some of his chums, he goes with them around the bars trying to repress his feelings of powerlessness and of a loss of direction. What will happen to him?

All this in the next story, "Mexico Moscow Mexico" which will appear shortly in this homepage.

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