Koja in San Francisco

I just lay down on the bed and everything ached so much, I couldn't move. I felt the urge to talk with somebody about my misfortune.  I phoned Simon. He was anxious. "What have you been up to," he said. "There was a telephone of some guy, telling me he was Koja's attorney and to keep my fingers off him." "Certainly some pimp" I said, and told him what I had experienced these last hours. He was much upset. "I will continue to look for him. " I told him. "But just now I have to regain power. Also Alec has vanished." "Who's Alec? Just another lover of you." I am smitten of Alec, tell him he is the reincarnation of my son during my life as king of the Hyksos. That I cannot live without him. He just laughs. “You are completely smitten. You are an original. It’s what Francine always says when she phones.” Francine. To me she never phones. But to Simon. And makes bad compliments about me. She doesn’t interest me. The problem is what Simon is telling her about me? But I don’t want to stir something up. I’m just in too bad a shape. But he continues. It seems he foresees my question. “Mind you, do not have a bad meaning of me. I never tell her anything about you. But she greets you. And believe me, she loves you. Always asks about your health.” I don’t believe him one word. Just laugh a poisoned laugh. He sighs. “It’s the same with you both. Tell you what. You are both crazy mad. Mad gay queer people.“ I don’t want to argue about this. I always have rows with Simon because he is the only straight one in our family. And in the States this means something. But he continues: “David is back from Europe. He is looking for you and your secretary told him you were not on the ship." "Oh David" I exclaim, “he will be my salvage angel. Please, can I talk to him.!" "I'll just give him to you. Do you need me further on, do you want me to come." "You Simon? You know you are always welcome. I'm staying at the Hilton in San Francisco." But now, suddenly, Simon reconsiders his offer. "Well, do excuse me, I have such a lot of lectures to give. I will come in a month time. And you know. For my theory of the economical course depending upon the flow of the goods I probably will receive a prize. And it is thanks to the commentaries you gave me and upon which I over thought my main theory." I am content to have served him but upset about his negative answer. "Like always" I sigh. "Well I too was so much engaged at a former stage of my life. But it was not worth the while. Because I think I lost the contact with you as my boy." “But you got your professors degrees and your Pulitzer price, and now you live on these." There is no sense dialoguing with Simon at this stage. "Well OK" I respond, sighing. "Come when you are in the mood to come. But I am always happy to see you. And you know I love you." "I'll come as soon as possible, but now please take David on the phone, he’s much upset." And David says: "I heard you are staying at the Hilton in San Francisco. I'll come at once." "Yes take the next plane and a cab. I need you so urgently. I love you and long for you. Why did you leave me?" "Now you need me urgently. But then you say the same to Koja, José, Nicos and now to a new one, I heard. I needed to get out of your overwhelming love. You just simply strangled me. You can’t make up your mind." I respond: "But you are my first and longest love. Please forgive me my irresolution and come." As always, David softens. I am so happy to have him. He says: "I'll take the first plane. I phone you when I arrive." I am so exhausted. It’s as if I just lay there on the bed when the phone goes again. "David here, I'm at he airport in Massachusetts. In two hours I'll be in Fresco." "Yes, thank you.” I panic. ”But I can't get on my feet, I can’t fetch you at the airport. Please take the cab." "Don't worry, I'll find my way." I lay down the receiver, go to the toilet, and get a shower. Limp back to the Bed. And at once I sleep. And have an absolute nightmare of a dream. With a dark-skinned Aztec chap I am on top of the pyramid in Tenochtitlan. Hands and Feet bound. I pray for my life as they swash me with whips of twigs, I and the boy Techutitl completely naked. I am one of Hernandez Cortez conquistadors. In Spain I was not enough Christian. I had to enrol with Cortez to save my life from the Inquisitors. And here in Mexico City, the first thing I do, I get in confrontation with the priests. As the other raped the countries women and were good Christians, the first thing was that I built up a friendship with a toltec boy, an aristocrat, beautiful Techutitl, who has pitch-black eyes and long  black hair, a fine swung aristocratic nose and a well formed, tight mouth, is slender and dark-skinned. And knows such a lot about his forbears, about his culture.  He is a member of the Aztec aristocracy, but not rich and despised because of his love of men. He writes beautiful poetry and sings to it with a sort of mandolin, the local music instrument.

Everybody looked with an evil eye on our friendship. The Spaniards because we should not get involved with our prey, the Aztecs because they consider me as enemy and are upset that I fraternised with the person they treat like a pariah. But we really love each other. Never was I so happy in my life. My father had been a very high aristocrat in Spain, but had not been able to adjust to the new  economic order in Spain after Columbus’ discovery of America. He had been the best soldier of Ferdinand and Isabel, but when Charles V had taken over the reign, he was not enough disciplined. He had sunk down the social ladder. In order to subsist, I had to emigrate, one of the first foreign workers. And also for my sexual direction, which they threw on to the bad influence of my mother, a Moresque Jew my father took as prey of the war and raped and never married. Later on, he regretted and adopted me, partly because I was so nice looking and so intelligent, but this was never liked by the clergy. My father had been very liked at the court of Ferdinand and Isabel, but had many enemies, especially the clergy, for whom he was not enough religious. As soon as he was dead, murdered by my uncle, the small brother of my mother, they burnt my mother and gave me the choice either to be burnt as heretic too for my studies of the Jewish cabal or to join the forces of Cortez as a kind of spy for the clergy. I was too keen for the (male) beauties of this world to leave it so quickly and too clever not to accept. I thought that in the new world there would be a possibility to escape the forces of Cortez and to begin a new life. As in fact many other participants of this excursion thought. Cortez liked me, he was also homophobic on the edge and loved to discuss during whole nights with me, and took pleasure in my cynicism. But the priest threw an evil eye on me. He didn’t like me at all. He was ugly, bald-headed and really stupid and considered me as his rival. Probably he hoped to get Cortez into the net of his church and I barred him the access to the poor sinner. He was thinking day and night of how to get me out of his way. And succeeded thanks to my light-heartiness and not seeing my real enemies.

The priest caught me as I was making love with Techutitl. Below a tree barely outside the town. I had always been much impulsive, I had not wanted to wait till the air was sure, had wanted to do it just when I met him, in full day time. He was such a nice chap, had such a soft skin, such nice eyes. We walked hand in hand. Caressing each other in the inner hand. And then I could not long any longer  for him. I pressed him against the tree, put my lips upon his lips eager to repeat the pleasure of yesterday evening Cortez had interrupted by passing along. It had been alright had not Fernandez, the priest, happened to pass just at this time. He just came from a woman he had raped. He was an ugly looking sort of overfed chap, with a protruding belly, hanging shoulders, an ugly nose, only two or three hairs left on his bald head. His teeth in his constantly grinning mouth were sparse and of an ugly yellow. A foul smell of rotting undigested nourishment came out of his mouth. He was old and had a wrinkled skin and was a sort of tight  cynical. He was so rotten he was completely impotent, only succeeded in shedding when he saw and heard the victim have pains for hours on end. But this time he did not have the time The woman had been scared to death, had cried and all other natives had had a run  at him and he had had to run away. He was too coward to defend himself. He was boiling with rage when he came upon us. He never had liked me as a free thinker and realised that I had it again better than he, that Techu really loved me. For the priest it was a sin, these two male beings doing together what he had not been able to do with a female, much more then raping a woman, although Techutitl did it on his own free will and loved me. He made an uproar and some soldiers who were just passing had to bind us and bring us before Cortez while he constantly throw his arms up and cried imprecations towards us. The soldiers were decidedly embarrassed to have to walk besides such a fool. I was liked by my comrades. Hernandez, too, was much embarrassed. I was one of his best soldiers, and deep in him he had a liking for me. I was of best aristocratic stock, the only intelligent and acceptable officer in his small troop of adventurers, and much intelligent. Several times he had saved me from the assaults of the priest, as I was always prone to expose myself. But the Aztecs had just made a uproar, wanting to get their Monteczuma back. And also Cortez’ soldiers were fed up with waiting for the moment to begin the pilferage of the locals, to get money. But he still awaited some additional arms from the ships, his army was not strong enough to assault the Aztec stronghold.  But this time he had no choice, he was standing with the back towards the wall, just about to loose everything he had gained. He needed the support of the priests to quench the uproar in his own lines and he needed a scapegoat he could deliver to the Aztecs to soften them. His troop was too weak to assume the complete conquest of this territory. He had to use a ruse. My life meant nothing to him when his career was at stake and to satisfy the priests and the Aztecs, he delivered me and Techu to Monteczuma’s priests.  We are now to be punished and sacrificed to the God Quetzalcoatal, the feathered serpent, to appease his anger.  Our hearts will be pulled out of our chests for his dinner. I had a long chat with Monteczuma. Personally, he likes me. But he too has the priests at his heals. He couldn't do anything for us. They decided to worsen our fate to use a punishment that was reserved to common traitors. In Mexico ass fucking is not punished. But they now punish Techu for his going with an enemy and me as a Spaniard according to what the Spaniards reserve for my crime. It's being impaled live. A whole night we were imprisoned in hanging cages, completely naked at the mercy of all detritus the Spaniards and Aztecs would hurl at us. We had to remain crouched and naked in the hanging cages, exposing our parts. The hands and feet bound.  We couldn't sleep, one missed the other, but were nevertheless hotly aroused, feeling the pain everywhere in our doleful crouched position. The morning after we were unbound, had to leave the open cages who were lowered and were chased crouching on tiptoes round the place, to be then we driven up all the staircase up to the holy altar. They took me and pinned my ass  on the immense prick of the stone statue of a god with a face like an ape and a broad body of a strong warrior. It penetrated my body from behind, giving me the shudders. But also an immense pleasure. The priest danced around me, crying "Get it, your assfuckers." Weeping and crying out of sheer pleasure. He even didn't realise that in  trance  my body vibrated, helping the stone dick to get more into me. My prick stiffened. Before the gazing people, the most of them probably priests, I wriggled with my body, showing my pleasure. They tranquillised my mood putting me another prick of stone into my mouth. I licked at it like wild. Because I thought it would be used for Techu's arse. And if it was wet it would not cause him so much pain. The stone is so thick, hard and rough, it will certainly scorch his ass-hole and pain him like hell. Seeing me wriggling with my body and licking at the phallus,  some of the priests laughed, shouted invectives in Aztec. It must have been some very ugly insult, because Techu got red all over. He is so young, so soft skinned and has no experience as yet of how bad people can be when they think they have nothing to fear. All laugh and Techu is hoisted up, till he is nearly sitting on my mouth. I have only some instants to live, I don't mind giving them a further possibility to laugh about me. I only want to help Techu, who was so lovely to me and who I know now has so much to suffer. They are so stupid. I lick with my tongue till I feel the moisture in my mouth. They laugh again watching me writhing with my body. Then they push the terrible stone prick into his arse. The blood is splashing all over me, he is seriously wounded. I hear Techu cry, feel his tears dripping on me. But I too feel his and my warm blood mingle between my thighs, as my body is pushed more and more into the prick of the stone statue. But I am in a hotly excited mood. They certainly doped me with this figs they gave us to eat before beginning with the ceremony. But Techu the poor beggar was left without any doping. I nearly don't feel the pain, as one of the priest comes forward to me, embraces my chest and cuts off my testicles. But then it’s so hot between my thighs. Without further consideration that I am doing them a pleasure, I cry and shout Spanish invectives at them. As there is a full orchestra at work, shrill trumpets, bells, tambourines and long horns who sound as the cows mooing, it sound like it would be a song with musical accompaniment. The Spanish soldiers are watching and clasp. But after no ending further tortures, which I do not feel completely thanks to the doping, two priest come in a ceremonial march towards us. They hold big curved knives.  They make a deep cut into my and Techu’s breast. I can fully realise how my and Techu’s heart are pulled out of our breasts before I vanish. I cry.

Go to the dream

And I wake up. The soft arms of David are round my waist. I feel his hair on my cheeks as he kisses me. I am so happy. I cry. "O David,. I am so happy that you are here. I dreamt of you and me in Mexico when they sacrificed us to Quatzalcoatl because we were gay. You a nice dark-skinned Aztec boy, Techu, I a stout white Spanish conquistador, stinking of onions." He laughs. He does not believe in my reincarnation theory. It’s too theoretical for him. Jazz is what he needs and what he understands. I continue: "It was always like this. These straight ones pursue us because we are not like them. It was like this during the stone ages, when I once was caught but you could escape and were pursued ever after  and now in the 16th century." "Hush," he says "you should not talk so much. Come, I will undress and lay besides you." And soon I feel his warm body besides me, I caress his soft skin and feel his lips kissing my body and soon I am again fast asleep. Now I dream of me together with Techu on our first night we had together. Techu sits on my knees, I feel as  we caress, kiss and smudge each other. It's so nice. But in  the evening I awake, we both are entangled. I wake him up, we love each other and all the time our hands are caressing thighs and legs, our tongues licking our shoulders. We both cry of pleasure.

In the disco I find Alec again

I feel much better. We get up, dress. I know a good restaurant where we eat some very fine tuna fish and drink a dry old Chardonnay. To the coffee we try a very nice Californian brandy together with an ice cream. We look each other into our eyes. I press David’s palms. “Come,” he says, “I know a nice disco for gay people. Let’s go there.” I feel again like Hercules in a mood to dislodge mountains. I nod with my head. With my foot I caress his thighs, lean over the table, give him a kiss on his lips. By now, everybody is staring at us. Before the manager can join us and tell us to leave the local, I shout: “Please bring the addition and call the taxi.” And we leave the local, everybody staring at us. I leave my calling card behind. And everybody is now polite as hell with us.

At the disco we dance tight each one to each one. But out of the corners of my eyes I suddenly recognise somebody I know. It’s Alec. He is dancing  with a long, fair guy, with a long ugly nose reaching from his eyes down to his chin and a slanting mouth, wearing a tight leather dress, with tattoos on both cheeks and a SS cut into his short blond hair. He looks like a Punk. I try to take Alec by his hands, shout to him: “Alec, Alec, come to me.” But the punk does not like my behaviour. He stands upright, just before me, staring at me. “What do you want?” "Leave my love alone, you pricked ass!” I shout invectives at him, not listening to David who wants to keep me back. And my hand swings back to give him a punch. But I am still weak. Before I could strike, I feel the punk’s iron clad hairy fist on my chin. I fall. Hear him laughing and taking Alec to a far corner. I am completely upset,. But first David leads or nearly carries me to the toilets. I lean over the seat and vomit, till I nearly give my stomach away. And  now I am completely weak and ill. I want to leave.

But David has just only come, has had some pints and feels just good, he wants to remain and have fun. I am in such a state I start a row with him. He is more sensible to rational thinking as I am. He  pulls me to the entrance and hails a cab and puts me into it.  As soon as I reach  my room I go again to the toilet, look into the mirror. I have a blue eye, a big wound on my chin, but its no longer blooding as David dried and tended it. I put some iodine on it and feel again dizzy. At once I go back to lie again on the bed. I am so tired, I can't get up and take a shower again. I fall at once into a deep sleep. This time it's  dreamless. I awake at three in the morning  to soft caresses. I open my eyes, my heart leaps. It's Alec. I hug him with both my arms, pull his face down to me, give him a kiss. I pinch myself with my left hand into my right arm. I'm not dreaming. Alec is here, I feel his soft wide lips on my lips, his tongue comes deep into my mouth and encounters my tongue. I'm so happy. I push his head away, look thoroughly at his lovely face and deep into his blue eyes and pant: "You here, Alec, I am so happy to have you with me again. Come to me, between my sheets, I already feel a stiffening." Then I'm completely naked, sitting on the bed, and feel his soft skin as he is plying towards me. I kiss his shoulders, his belly, dive with my head to kiss his thighs. With his arms behind my neck he is hugging me, caressing my hair with the soft palms of his hands. He leans over my loins kissing my buttocks. I feel his tongue licking me and we do this playing several times over. I turn my body over, guided by his gentle hands. "Please penetrate me, I so long to feel you." And he penetrates me. I press my asshole together, wriggle with my buttocks, sigh as his hands caress me.

But as soon I get cold again I reconsider the situation. I am never satisfied. Why did Alec leave me and why did he send me away in the disco. Alec has realised my anger. He decides to forestall me. "Ramon," he says, "Please pardon me. I need a thorough lashing. I was awakened when you  left me yesterday night, wanted to ask you, where you were going. But you were gone, the door closed behind you. And I was angry because you left me without telling me where you wanted to go.  I quit the room, angry and jealous, closed the door. Only then did I realise that I had no key. I went back, tried to open the door, no sense, I had closed me outside of the room. I went down to the lounge to wait there for your return. The personal looked so suspiciously at me and I had to go outside. There I had to look for a place for the night." I look at the youth. He does not tell me everything. And why this gibberish about wanting to be punished. We never did this SM business when we were together. He must have learned it from this newest acquaintance. I'm jealous and say: "You really need to be punished." He does not understand that I mean not for his running away, but for his wanting to be punished. I look straight into his blue eyes. He looks away.  But nevertheless it seems to me his eyes are glittering. I am now sure he dopes himself again. But I have such a desire to fuck him again.  I grab him at his shoulders, turn him around, and take him, holding him down. Then I incite him with my hands to slowly erect his body again. I take him brutally, directly, really gripping his shoulders so it must be painful for him . His whole body shakes, he is in trance, with his hand he touches himself and comes. I am not satisfied, would like to kiss his shoulders and head all over. But then I think that duty must come before pleasure, that I need to punish him at once.  I thrust him from me, so brutally that he loses his balance and falls on his knees. I go over to where his trousers are, thrown on the floor just where he undressed. I search all his pockets. Find nothing. Then I come back to him. I see him on his knees looking up while his whole body shakes. Then it dims up within me. He is scared of me! It’s no longer a play for him! I go down, hug him, pull him up. Hold him before me. He is crying. I say: "Alec, you did not tell me everything. I never punished you physically and hopefully also not psychically. Why are you now so keen on it? You did not tell me everything about your escape. I also notice that you are doped." He has now lost all his reserves , is now completely open to me, at last. Unfortunately he also lost his self esteem. It's not what I wanted and I do not like to see this result.  Silently I curse myself for having been so brutal. He says, while he is shaking and the tears drop from his eyes: "Well, Frank, whom you saw in the disco, gave me dope. And he ordered me to kneel down gripping the bed with my hands showing him my ass which he thrashed till it hurt. But I realised it was for me a pleasure, because I got excited and stiff. And he too. I thought it would certainly please you. And it was nothing new to me. But new to me was that I sensed it as a pleasure."  Now I know. But what did I gain having forced him to undress his soul before me? I reply: "You went away, went with this Frank,  because you wanted to experience these things again, didn't you? It’s what your step father enforced on you all the time. I wouldn’t do it." He blushes, I shake him: "Answer me!" At last he says: "Yes, but I read it in the book about sexual arousal you have." That’s it. Now it’s all my fault again. He is right. He doesn’t know that there are different sides to approach the topic. Lamely I say: "Don't do it another time. Because I won't take you back a second time." And let him go. To let him time to consider. But I was too harsh. I would never do what I say. I can’t let him drop. He is too much to me. But then I realise he is really scared. And I thought to make it only a play. But I don't like these plays. I feel like a bad actor.  I overplayed, made a bad figure of me and in fact I might just be destroying his believe in me. He is still staying like a marble figure in the midst of the room before me. His is aroused and when I look down at me, I  too. I'm ashamed. I take him again into my arms, kiss him and whisper into his ears. "I'm so sorry. I have hurt your feelings. Used you for my ends. With Simon what I now did with you would never be possible. Please gain more self control." But it's ridiculous to ask anything like this from him. His self esteem is too low. He can’t afford to loose me, whom he thinks is his only real friend. I realise it as soon as it has left my lips. He looks at me at a loss, but I feel that he is beginning to recover. With both my arms I take him round his belly, I lift him and lay him on the bed. And stretch out besides him, naked, feeling his skin. And we sleep again till the morning hugging each other.

Enters Raul

Till somebody knocks on the door and  David enters with another youth. "Do you want breakfast?” But he doesn’t expect my answer. He continues: “I have ordered it to be delivered to your room as I thought you would be busy making peace with Alec." I am startled, sit up. I nearly can't look out of my eyes. What a pitiful face I make. I blush. But he just laughs. Introduces me to his new acquaintance, Raúl.  And when I want to get up there is a knock on the door. Hurriedly we slip back into the sheets. But David goes to the door and takes the tray, puts it upon the bed we have left. We put on our pyjamas, sit on the edge of the bed and eat breakfast. And he tells me what happened after I left the dancing. Raúl entered the dancing after I left and danced with David until into the early morning. I look at Raúl. He is so nice I suppose for myself they certainly must have made some fucking in the toilet, I for myself would not have waited till early morning having such a nice body, caressing such inviting buttocks. I know David is nearly as quick being sexually aroused  as I am, he would not have had the nerves to wait. I smile to myself and realise that Raúl has remarked my smiling and blushes. But David is so concerned with telling me his story, he realises nothing, continues: "Before I left the local in the early morning, I wanted to have a piss. I went out into the court. I met Alec there. He had been abandoned by his lover and asked me if he could come with me." As what does he consider me. As a fool obviously. I look at Alec.. But Alec blushes. He says: "It's not true, David had a row with Frank, Frank wanted to hit him but the guard intervened and sent Frank away. Then I decided to go back to you." David is angry: "You bloody fool. Why did you tell the truth. Now he knows about Frank and you will have the problem." But I soothe him. "It's all right. We spoke together and I browsed up. But I nearly spoilt Alec. I don't want to bend him, please, David. He must remain himself. But I think the error of this row is as much with me as with him."

Commentaries:

Go back to Introduction