It was one of the first days of spring, very early in the morning, the sun had just risen upon the horizon. I woke up very early. I clothed, took the knapsack which I had packed the night before and left the room very quietly. The servants were not yet up, unhampered I queered the lawn between the building and the fortress walls and passed the door of the fortress which is crowned like by two lions, passing between the sleeping guards. The bridge leading over the trench was down. Beyond the fortress and the trench there is a long stretch of barren land, trampled down by horses' hoofs, as there the soldiers assemble before they set off for a their battles. There is also the market; all the merchants set up their tents around a well were the merchants water their horses and cattles. Just at the well there is a big oaktree, were they tie up their cattle before they enter the palace, and there my friend Anteros stood, holding Troas, my brown checked mare. I jumped upon her and we rode off on the road towards the seaside.
Since I was ten, I had begged of my father to let me off on an excursion. I wanted to know more of the world, to have the opportunity to do heroes' deeds as my father had done them. I felt that if I was to successfully succeed my father, I needed these deeds to fix my pretensions and get a reputation of my own. But he was nasty; he didn't want to let me go. He pretended that he dreaded losing his only male heir. But I think that was only a pretext. One day I asked him straightly: "He do you think that I could succeed you if you don't prepare me for the job." He sighed: "Kallisthenes, "he answered" Do you think that my father prepared me for the job?" That's it exactly, he dreads the day of his death and therefore doesn't think of his successor, believing that his death won't happen if he evades the thought. He fears that I could prepare a putsch, overthrow him, maybe kill him to succeed him at once, if he would just present me as his successor to the court. I don't blame him, because that's precisely what happened to many of his ancestors. Nurse told me lot of stories of my predecessors who had killed their father and especially the story of Pelops, who had had such an awe to be overthrown by his son that he managed to kill him and serve him as supper to a delegation of the Gods and such attracted a curse upon our family. In fact I dread he thinks of adopting one of my half brothers as his successors. I have realized that my mother is no longer his favorite wife. There is this Helena who is much younger, has blue eyes and long, curly, blond hairs. Therefore I answered him on his pertinent question, just asking him directly: "What in fact are you thinking. Are you no longer preferring me as your first born son as your heir. Do you prefer this Cenes, the son of Helena, to me, as the rumors go now even in your kitchen?" Again, he sighed, but avoided looking directly in my eyes. He ended our conversation stating: "You just don't understand. Keep to your own job and don't interfere." Now, I knew. If I could not prove him that it was dangerous to him to evince me, he would do it.
Just in the right moment, there came the visit of my cousin Jason, son of Aeson, King of a small kingdom on the south-eastern shore of the Peloponnesus, who looked for heroes to help him sail to the edge of the world, to find and take the legendary golden fleece of Argos. He had been sent out by his father who thought it was to be a necessary deed to become his heir. Disappointed by the half-hearted answer of my father, I spoke to him, told him of all my fears. He answered: "Kallisthenes, you are a great warrior, the strongest youth of your kingdom. Why don't you join me? If we find the Golden Fleece, you too as well as me, will have a great deed accomplished." I was at once enthusiast and promised to join. He set off the evening of the next day and I promised to join him within the week. Despite that my father has his informers all over the palace, he heard about that to late. He summoned me to cancel my arrangement. But now I stood up against him. I said I would not yield. He became very red and called for the guards. But now, to my great astonishment, Princess Helena stood up and begged him to let me go. He never turns down a request of Helena, when she looks up to him, with her big, blue eyes and with her smile. So now, the next morning, I take off at once, as I know that my father will soon regret his decision and change his mind. He was too much afraid, because he knew, if I was enhancing my reputation I would be much more popular than him. It was the last moment. All preparation had taken lieu, the ship was ready, built by strong oak wood, the crew was all recruited and excepted to be waiting at the harbor at the day we arrived there. If he had not let me go, I would have stolen away without notice.
Of course we, I and Anteros, had been dreaming about this excursion for many months, everybody in Greece spoke about this Jason who had been sent away by his father who had to fight against a bunch of usurpers. We longed forward and fevered to take part in this excursion. It was said to become the most daring voyage a Greek had ever made, we planned to go off to the east, plundering the Persian coast and sailing as far east as possible through the Black Sea. Our boat was built of oak wood, was very strong and had place for 24 rowers. We had carefully chosen our crew. Besides me and my cousin, Jason, there was Heracles, the strong hero who was said to emanate from Zeus. When I met him first, as he was presented to my father's court, this squarely built, monstrous man, with long hair and a long beard, wearing a lion's fur, carried as always an immense oaken club, who must weigh over 50 pounds thrown over his shoulders as if it were a simple twig. We invited him for dinner and in the dinner room he slung the club down and nearly hit my feet and leaned on it, and now, at last, I realized that he must be this famous Heracles, another sun of Zeus and of another victims of Zeus, Alkeme, who who was already sung as the strongest hero of Greece. By her deeds the feeble rightful husband of Alkmene and a twin brother was born before Herakles came out of his mothers wombs. He told us of the many deeds he had done and slung his club around so that we instinctively crouched down, as he told us that should have become by the wish of his father the king of whole Greece. But Hera had crossed the plans of Zeus and he was only second son. His half-brother forced him to do a lot of deeds: to slay of the Nemean lion and the nine-headed Hydra of Lerna; to capture of the elusive hind who ran faster than the wind, the wild boar who through killed and tyrannized all inhabitants of Mt. Erymanthus; who shooted of the monstrous man-eating birds of the Stymphalian marshes, captured of the mad bull that terrorized the island of Crete and the man-eating mares of King Diomedes of the Bistones, fighted Hippolyte, queen of the Amazons to take her girdle to his king, seized the cattle of the three-bodied giant Geryon, who ruled the island Erytheia (meaning Red) in the far west. We took him not because of the deeds he sung about, we thought that only maybe a fourth of them were real. But we thought that he would be of great use to us because he had not only an immense physical force and would be a good rower and warriors but had also good administrative skill (he had managed to cleanse the immense stables of Augeas in just one day) and also because of his traveling experience as he had traveled as far as to the end of the world, in the direction of the down going sun to steal of the golden apples kept by the Hesperides; and had traveled to the east as far as the entrance to the lower word to fetch up the triple-headed dog Cerberus, guardian of its gates. Besides, our crew comprised all the most famous heroes of Greece and I would not take bother my reader to enumerate them all.
We reached the port of Methoni just as the sun was on its zenith. Today it is the naval basis of our fleet because it is a natural port on the rocky coast well hidden and shielded from storms and pirates by a protruding completely barren promontory. From the high sea you cannot see it. Some barren islands are dispersed before its coast. Then it was just a small village for fishers. It consisted of one tavern, "The Fierce Cock" and some fishermen's huts. No merchants, no strangers were around. Our main trading port is at another location, but not much protected from pirates or eventual intruders. It is easily approachable from the sea, has no dangerous cliffs or rocks and is therefore much appreciated by the merchants' ships. It's position has not the same strategic advantage as Methoni. But then, we had no substantial fleet and no reason to have one. It has been my job to build up a fleet which allowed us to be a respected as a naval power.
Jason was not waiting for us. The crew was not yet there. Fixed at the pier, lay the biggest ship I had ever seen. But it was bound to another boat, nearly to its deck in the water, leaking and lying on its side. Coming nearer, we realized that its mast was broken in two and by broking it had damaged the sides of the boat. We were disappointed: How could we ever sail with this hulk! And to far locations were we planned to sail, to regions were the sea was dangerous! We had to clear our path through a crowd of fishermen standing on the pier. I soon heard that the boat had been left down on water yesterday, for its maiden voyage, but as there had been a stiff breeze and high waves, it had been wrecked on the rocks trying to get out of the port and had to be brought back by smaller boats to be repaired.
Jason was not among the people in the crowd. Nobody could tell us where he was. We looked for him. We thought that maybe the person who would best know where he was would be in the tavern "To the fierce cock" We entered. Just at the entrance we were stopped. There was a crowed of fishermen squatting in a cercle around something. Fighting our way through it, getting much blasphemes, we found that two cocks were fighting in the middle, one against the other, and the men were betting. We continued and at last we spotted him sitting at a round table in the midst of completely drunk men. He was drinking a pint with a stout man. His unkempt black hair hang from the bald head, the long bony nose reached nearly down to the chin, two big ears were ventilation the air and a long, unkempt black beard hung into his beer mug. The two seemed to be engaged in a lively debate. The bald man looked out of keen dark eyes at Jason and kicked at the table with both his fits. He shouted at his full voice: "You want to cheat me! No, no, under these conditions I shall never transport the tree trunk for the new mast." All guests of the tavern looked up. Jason looked up with an imploring look . When he saw that I was standing at his side, he shouted. "Ha, it's you Kallisthenes. Pat is trying to cheat me of my small part of the deer we hunted this morning. And I had to get up so early to get at this fine piece of meat." When we will have it prepared it, we can live on it for at least the first month of our expedition. Soon we saw what we thought was the object of their row. An immense boar lay dead on a mat on the floor just besides them. Seeing us, the ruffian calmed down. We now sat down at the same table with Jason and this Pat and ordered a drink. Soon we heard about the real reason of their skirmish. It was not the boar. He had hunted this boar helped by Hercules when they had set off to cut down a big fir tree for the new mast. The trunk of the tree was in the forest. Herkules had quit the Jason before the village and was now looking for some wild beast to accomplish a new deed. The man at the table, Pat, was the landlord and was at once interested in buying the boar. As Jason had no money, he wanted to charter this boar against the help of some of the fishermen to transport the trunk. And now they were discussing about the price of this transport. The landlord was not willing to harness his horses and get the trunk for a simple boar. Or so he said. He seemed very keen to get the meat, as he eyed the boar.
"You are early." Jason told me. The rest of the crew will arrive later, I think." The bald man laughed, a hoarse, high-pitched laugh and threw both arms up. "You see" he told Jason, smiling, "your men are very anxious to leave." We were sitting on our stools like being roasted on a fire. "And as I see your two colleagues here are interested that you be able to leave as early as possible. You too are certainly in a hurry to leave, because you want to become king as soon as possible. And anyway, you have to leave as I am told that there is a strong battalion coming from Kallithea on the way to Methoni." He turned around to face me. "You know who these men are. Tell him to hurry up. He is trying to cheat me on my pay to transport the mast of the ship. The boar was killed on our land; therefore it is only right that our seamen's league should become a fair remuneration for being cheated for a deer which rightly belongs to them." I didn't answer. I knew by now that my father had changed his mind earlier as we thought and that these were the men my father sent after me. I was in a hurry to leave before the soldiers of my father could bring me back to the court. I turned to Jason: "How much does he want?" He said: "He wants to cheat us. The boar he didn't risk his life to kill he claims as his own and asks besides for a ounce of silver to bring the trunk in." One ounce of silver! A fabulous sum for this deed! I was never much interested in barter but I knew that you could buy 4 strong and healthy slaves for less than once ounce of silver. The silver mines were not far from here and were of course royal property. Everybody knew me as the king's son and Jason had ventured to tell him that I was taking part at his expedition probably to impress him. The sum was exaggerated. I could not accept the deal if I was not dumb. Besides, I had no silver on me. But Jason looked at me as if I would hold the solution! I was supposed to be the richest of all, as my father was king of the greatest kingdom of the peninsula. And a king, as anybody knew, owned the oxes with which his serfs ploughed the earth. Earned all mines in his kingdom! Mar had found out by now that my father's soldiers had been instructed to get me back and that I was in a hurry to get out on the sea where they could not get me. But I did not dream to let myself be blackmailed by a subject of my father. I remembered that I had packed by chance an elephant and a giraffe made of ebony which a seafaring minstrel visiting my father's palace had once given me. The minstrel had brought these wonderfully finished small figurines back from countries far away in Africa, beyond the Sahara, where the people are of black skin. They were something like an amulet which could bring me fortune.
On first thought I considered to sacrifice one of these figurines, maybe the giraffe? But on second thought I rejected this idea. No, I did not want to give away the elephant or the giraffe, which I considered as big and powerful amulets to buy myself the service of a serf. They had cost me too much. I had accepted these gifts, during the banquet and as soon as I wanted to go back to my room, the minstrel followed me, slipped into my room and I had a such a fuss trying to throw him out.
Meantime Pat explained to us: "I have no horses as you seem to think. If I have to use my oxen which are now ploughing my fields, I loose at least 3 hours of work and if I don't pay anything to my pals for the dear they lost to strangers, I will be thoroughly thrashed by my colleagues and will use to the skills of a expensive doctor to help me to work again afterwards. I knew that Myrdon was a doctor by calling and did not ask high stipends to heal his patients. This was certainly a lie. I did not want to discuss the matter with this cut-throat because time was running.
I took out my ebonite giraffe and placed it on the table. Then I took out my handkerchief where I had packed the seams of some flowers. Muttering some dark sounding paroles, as if I were praying to a God, I strew the seamen on the Giraffe! Pat looked anxiously. He had never seen an animal like this and it seemed to him that it was some bad omen. Like all landlords Pat was superstitious. Everybody knew about our godly ancestors and about the curse which was lasting on our family. Everybody knew, too, that I was a strange child that spent hours in the temple, muttering strange things to some unseen God, together with the son of the priest. Everybody knew also that I had bound a warrior who was twice as big as I was and had a breast and muscles of a giant and had bound him to me as my slave. Pat now assumed that I was putting a spell on him. He lost his strong countenance, smiled and said: "Of course, as I love my prince I will get the trunk for nothing." I did not react, continued to mutter, looking quite dangerous. Now he burst out, begged of me to let him live and keep his tavern. He even gave me a small pearl and came out on the street with us and looked to it, that the oxen where bound to the cart as promptly as possible. I sprung with him on his cart and helped him charging the truck on it. By the evening we were back and with the help of the fishermen the mast was fixed on the boat. We could call the crew in. Man by man the crew came in and when the sun set, we lifted the anchor of our ship and rowed out of the port. Just as we passed the horn we saw how the riders my father had sent to bring me back reached the shores and told us to come back. There was a strong wind blowing, we could set up our sail and had not to row.
As soon as we were on the high sea, the wind grew stronger, the heavens got black and a terrible storm came up. It lasted several days and we lost all the control about our ship. I do not know how we managed to save our lives. But at last it turned quiet again and when we looked out of the tent, it was evening and our boat stood along the shores of an island. Their inhabitants were dark skinned and had thick long body hair. Their head hair was black and long. They were nearly naked, had just a small loin cloth swung around their loins. In fact we were not much better clad. Our clothes had gotten wet and we had fixed them everywhere on the mast, on the railing and everywhere so that we looked like a ship of cloth merchants. On seeing us, climbing tired and wet out of the vessel they laughed and danced around. But they were friendly. We tried to speak to them but they did not understand our language. We could stock up our food and the fresh water. We put up our tent just on the shore. The next morning we took off. We were not very sure about the friendship of these funny clothed people. We had to row, as there was no longer any wind. We sailed very near along the shore. The sun was scorching and it was so hot that the man was perspiring.
We traveled like this for many days. Now the sea was quiet, the sky blue without any cloud. There was a light wind from west. We set up the sails and our ship rode on the waves at a steady speed in direction of the settling sun. One day, we spotted far away on the horizon some purple sails. It must be a Phoenician trade ship coming up. The sails were coming in our direction. We took down our sails and our ship slipped slowly over the water. Now we were barely visible for other ships. It was high noon. A torrid heat! I was in command of the ship, Jason and Herakles were take there nip. The men were tired and deserved a pause. As nobody knew how strong they were and what they had in mind, I gave the orders to cease rowing and our ship slid slowly along the barren cliffs which were predominant along this part of the Peloponnesus, driven by the weak current of the sea. Then there came up a small, long harbor behind a rocky promontory. We slid into it. The water was very clear; you could see the sand on the ground, and some algae whose leaves moved in the feeble current of the sea. Everything looked inert. I let the anchor down. I took my position up on the stern. Some of the men profited from the occasion to let themselves down into the shallow water and get a little fresh. I summoned up my most courageous Minians, took up arms and waited. We had climbed the rock of the promontory and were lying belly down on the rocks, I on the crest and Jason just behind me to be able to observe better. My heart leaped. Phoenician ships were usually laden with expensive goods and as merchants they had no dangerous soldiers on board. A perfect occasion to perform my first immortal deed! It was Hercules who had slid besides me who spoke first. "We are nearly out of provisions. Pats stolen boar is nearly all gone. Our men have no practice in warfare and are getting lazy. Besides, I never go on an expedition without plundering some ship. Especially if it's of a merchant like Pat who cheated us! Let's plunder this ships, this brings some practice to our men and some good food, besides some souvenirs to bring back to our betrothed." So we decided, lying one beside the other on the crest of the promontory, to ram this plump and fully loaded merchants' ship and take off its goods. Lying on the rocks, Jason me and Herakles one besides the other, we looked very intently over the crest towards east, were the purple sails were coming nearer and getting bigger all the times. The Phoenicians seemed unsuspicious. When the big Phoenician merchant ship sailed along the rocky spine before our little harbour who sheltered us, we were down in our ship and had summoned our crew. Silently, we had moved our ship to the entrance of the harbour and waited for the Phoenicians. When the big wooden carcass was sliding just alongside our prow, there was nobody on board besides the captain. We threw our spikes and climbed aboard the ship, Herakles at the stern where he slid along the rail till he was behind him, held a knife at his throat and ordered him to continue as if nothing was happening. I and Jason climbed the big ship in midship and stamped along towards the luck. The whole deck was empty, when suddenly a fat, bearded men excited from the luck and ran at me with a blade. Behind him there were several others. This was the signal! We slew them all, threw the corpses into the water and went down to where they kept their merchandise. We made a rich booty which we all took into our ship and decided to go to the next port to sell the goods. We drowned the merchant ship. There we sold the booty to the first merchant we encountered for a price we thought was quite high.
We slandered along the big market. We had never seen such a great market where so many goods were exhibited. Many goods were unknown to us. In our small country there was no such great wealth and therefore never so much merchants.
This boy was standing on the platform, in the process of nearly falling down. He was shackled both by his ankles and his wrists. He seemed unaccustomed to being exposed naked and bound to a great crowd. He was apparently very shy, trying desperately to hide his most private inner parts of which he seemed quite ashamed, but the merchant would not let him, he shouted at him, ordering him to excite the buyers by rankling himself in his chains and as the boy was slow in obeying, he slapped him and whipped him so that he forgot his urge to close his legs and wound his body trying to avoid the terrible strokes of the whip. He had a delicate face, long, shining hair, brown eyes, a slim waist elegant loins long stretched arms and legs. On looking more intently I realized that a terribly looking clutch had been fixed on his crutch, to which a raw chain was fastened running through his slit, up his back and tightly bound to his wrist shackles which were fixed from above forcing him to hold his arm over his head. He was far from looking like a happy boy used to linger on the streets, offering himself to passers-by, as he tried to look like and as the merchant tried to have him look like, he looked very tired, quite worn, and looked bedazzled out of his eyes. I was at once taken in by his charms. And I felt curiously pity for him. He had to stand on tiptoe and nearly fell. The merchant cried out that he had been gelded, that he was well trained in all erotic stands and that the buyer could do everything he wanted with him. But he had a barren look and seemed rather stubborn. I shuddered as the merchant administered him severe strokes by the whip on his loins, his legs and ass, and he turned around, making him turn around, bend down to show his ass and pushed some very awful, giant stick into it. The boy's whole body shuddered, there was a loud hiss as he took in his breath, not wanting to cry out loud. This was too much for me. Of course I had never seen a male slave sold as a lust slave, in Greece we do not use male slaves for our pleasures, in fact it's considered as a flaw for free men to have sex with slaves and this kind of whores would not be sold publicly. I had heard that in Asia it would be different. Now, the boy's body writhing under the blows of the whip and the sexual arousal caused in his inner arse by the moving stick you could realize how the crowd was aroused. Now the merchant said that this boy had already been gelded, would never grow hair and always remain young in looking and in his voice. Now I understood why the boy was so tired and worn, why he wore a clutch on his dick and why he had always tried to close his legs. I shivered thinking that something so awful would be done to me, which I knew could never happen. I knew that especially a half mature boy could die by being gelded. I was at once taken in by his charms. And I felt curiously pity for him. I now knew I wanted such a nice slave boy who was even gilded. And I wanted to finish the deal as soon as possible to spare him more strokes and pain but the merchant did not think the same. The merchant cried out that he was well trained in all erotic stands that the buyer could do everything he wanted with him. The buyers, all of them soft Persians used to being serviced by well trained harem boys did not believe him, they were not very keen on buying a boy which was clearly untrained and no longer the age at which a boy can be dressed as you wish Obviously the offers did not meet what the merchant expected. He was forced to turn again and to stand on tiptoe, till he lost his stand and hung by his arms in the chains. Now his barren and stubborn looking eyes were full of tears while he strived to find foot again. Actually he did not seem to rouse the interest of his potential buyers as much as the merchant thought. Out of his frust his beating got harsher and the boy's body was getting red of the strokes. I thought that it was the moment to begin bidding. I had a lot of money left. I convinced myself that a boy would serve me well on board ship, to clean, cook and help with small errands. Because there were only heroes on the ship nobody did any mean job, the food was always bad, the boat was dirty and things were at shambles and 50 heroes were using all day long to explain to everybody their deeds and nobody saw what had to be done.
Nevertheless, when the merchant realized that I had chosen on this boy and wanted him dearly, he drew the price up. I looked at the boy with eyes which were probably quite amorous till he too realized that maybe his sort would not be as dull and heavy as it had looked till now. Soon he ventured some looks from beyond his nearly closed lids and the heavy eyebrows. And I realized that he was not the untrodden sort of boy he had seemed previously to be. That only drew me up to bet more on him. I bought him for nearly the double I had calculated but I would never regret it.
When the deal was done, they delivered him to me, bound by his wrists and ankles, still nearly naked with only a small loin cloth on. I carried him through the town to an inn. But there we nearly got into a row, as all the present people were half drunk, tried to finger him everywhere. When some completely drank dirty man whose eyes very coming round and red out of their place, got his hand on him, patted his behind and finally tore him his loin cloth away, I got angry. I hired a room for my own. I pulled him behind me up the stairs, threw him into the room. While we ate and drank he laid on the floor against the wall. I could not wait, in the heat of my drunkenness, seeing his fine body. I unfastened his bonds, laid him on my couch and lay besides him. He recoiled from me and as much as I wanted I did not dare to touch him. He was young and had had a harassing day I suppose. When he realized that nothing was done to him he began snoring quietly and slept. I caressed his body. When he came in my mouth he suddenly waked up, bounced back as far as he could away from me, his green catlike eyes under his barely perceptible brows wide opened looking at me with barely hidden fears. I wondered what he had already experienced from warriors. No, I could not harm him. I had to sooth him. I was already lost to him, I loved him and I did not want to make him to harm him. I left of him at once, coiled back, straightened my body and looked at him. Now, he relaxed. He hissed at me: “What are you trying to do? I thought that I could rely on you and now you try to rape me.” He weeps. “It's so hurting when you treat me as if I were a whore and had no feelings. I can't be as you probably wish me to be. I was reared as a normal boy in a good family and had a good father and mother who loved me. I was reared up to have my pride. Please, please! You were so kind to me, you took me up after the dreadful treatment I was submitted to at this slave merchant. Am I to be a common lust slave for you? No, I can't. You handled me kindly, you tended to my wounds. I love you. I couldn't behave to you as a mere slave, trying to deceive you at every kindness you show me. No.” he continues, after some time at which I look perplexed at him, “No. If that's to be my fate, just kill me, kill me just now.” And he tends his hairless, boyish breast to me, looking at me. This speech was done in a disorderly manner. Then, when I don't react, he breaks down, sobbing and crying. I am completely at a loss. They told me that these gilded Asian boys were without shame and always ready to please. That you could get your part of them without having to care about the boy. I bought him with this in mind and I used all my spare cash on him and now is not abiding. At once, my temper goes through. I want to slap him, to show him that I am his master and not some good sister. But now he looks imploringly at me out of his tear ridden green eyes, his disorderly hair hanging over his face. He beseeches me: “Please let me alone. I can't stand it being raped! It would be so awful, if my savior would mistreat me. Mistreat him, rape him! It's his sort. What does he want to order me who have bought him, his body and mind, as slave! I swing back to give him a well intended slap. He coils back, stiffens himself, stiff with tears in his eyes and looking at me as if I were a brute. I can't, my arms stick in mid air. I turn away, ashamed. How I could ever think of misusing such an innocent boy. How could I ever think of harming such a harmless, anxious and timid and boy? I am abashed, I feel ashamed of myself. My temper got out of my control. Slowly I realize; no I become dimly aware in my rather thick brain that I love this boy. I did not buy him like a bottle of wine or any female slut to appease my sexual hunger. No, the first moment I saw this boy, I fell in love with him. I remember the mocking smile of the merchant; realize again how the price was screwed up by the follow bidder, probably his previous owner. I walked inadvertently into a trap. But now, I can't and don't want to creep back. No. Never in my life did I ever love anybody and laughed when anybody told me that he was deeply in love. I thought that I could always master this feeling that makes one dependant of somebody else. And now I feel this prickling sense anywhere in my body, in my mind. I want his love and not only his lust, I want to be his! It's like a drunkenness, only deeper and more personal. I need his esteem, his feeling that he can rely on me. How can I ever amend for the heavy mistake I made trying to use him for my lust. I look away and leave him alone.
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